Tuesday 31 March 2015

3148 - I'm not only there for the beer

Off out shortly for a well-deserved pint
At the King's Arms comedy night, Salford
The weather's been bad, a night out I've pined
For these last two evenings, though not been bored
Kept myself busy, word up, word up, word
Started 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo'
Book (seen the film a while back) and it's weird
Very heavy going, interesting too
And a fitting read as I'm sitting through
The many episodes of 'The Bridge' - wind
My mind back to my own memory hoard
Of seeing Copenhagen and Malmo
And travelling the bridge by train, the sound
Crossed, two lands joined that once were far abroad

Monday 30 March 2015

3147 - Car trouble pt 9

The weather's wet as hell, hell yes it is
And there's more rain tomorrow, so they warn
So I'll stay in tonight, no wet or freeze
For me, and no booze either. Got to pawn
Everything this month anyway - I'm goin'
On holiday at the end of April
But also been caught motorway speedin'
Last month, driving north hurriedly with Pearl's
Stuff in the hired car. Not that evil
Only did 58, officer, please
But no, a fine awaits, points must be borne
But wait - I may qualify for a li'l
Training course. Hope I go on one of these
Fingers crossed that I don't end up forlorn

Sunday 29 March 2015

3146 - Ramming the point home

Been watching three episodes of The Bridge
And it's tired me out! Also I should read
While I've got some free time, my heritage
As a Derby fan well celebrated
By 'Clough's War' which suggests Clough was indeed
An out-of-control maverick, his own worst
Enemy at times, but brilliant, afraid
Of none, unable perhaps to stop cursed
Honesty that does us no good, a burst
Of ill-chosen words causing a wreckage
Of bad feelings when none were intended
Still, though Derby were left behind, Forest
Were the winners in the end - he managed
Them to two European Cups, he did

Saturday 28 March 2015

3145 - Flat to(i)let

Oh shit, I need to go the the toilet
But I'll see if I can hang on until
I finish this sonnet, for this sonnet
Will then be finished quickly, so it will
Just like my shit when I use force of will
To force it out of my gut with a splash
Of toilet water that I hope won't spill
Onto the bathroom floor. Same when I slash
Or have a slash, no splash should miss and crash
Upon the floor, thereby making it wet
An ancient art, time immemorial
Has told me that when I fart, it can clash
With the desire to wee, causing the shit
To shoot out prematurely, floor to spoil


Friday 27 March 2015

3144 - Deep dive

Off out shortly, but what to say just now
In my attempt to get this written quick?
What's in the news? That sad story of how
The German pilot took his plane down with
Passengers, into the French Alps, quite sick
In the head to take so many others'
Lives. Why not just take his own? A cynic
Might say he was vain, tried to make the news
Be remembered for something. No excuse
Can justify that evil action, though.
But sometimes sickness wins over logic
And right and wrong, causes us to abuse
Others who are innocent, make them bow
Their heads, randomly chosen for the stick

Thursday 26 March 2015

3143 - Ouch!

I've got a headache - it's dehydration
From last night's drinking, and a day staring
At a computer screen at work. So when
I've done this I'll waste no time in downing
Some paracetamol and ingesting
More drinks, but not coffee or booze of course
So pardon me if you think I'm rushing
This great important work of rhyming verse
But my head hurts and it's gaining in force
Oh damn, just realised something, oh damn
Won't have time to watch 'The Bridge' this evening
On Netflix, cos the debate's taking place
On Channel 4, to be precise, at nine
Cameron and Miliband being annoying...

3142 - Midweek drink

Good night out with Pearly on Tariff Street
First, Kosmonaut, then El Capo, and then
The Whisky Jar, although that was no treat
Five quid for a sip of whisky, I drained
It in no time, but never mind, I've been
In there and that's good, I've sampled it now
A cool part of Manchester, though nothing
Compared to London, as Pearl said, and wow
She's been to many places down there, how
Many great nights she's had, that can't be beat
By anything up here in this Northern
Powerhouse, as it's now called down below
Back home in time for a drink as the night
Draws on, as time moves on, as life moves on

Wed 25 March

Tuesday 24 March 2015

3141 - Miles of smiles

Nice relaxing night in, listening to Miles
While chatting on Facebook and writing this
Must give Josie a call, she should be smiles
At getting United mascot duties
She was off school ill, so it is
Up to me to see if she's getting well
Or if she's still ill, a sickly business
So when I've done this, I'll give her a bell
She might be in the bath. More likely she'll
Be on Instagram, perusing the piles
Of pix on there, antics by some Misses
And Masters by the score. Miles' final
Track's on now, 'Sanctuary' ... it's a while
But now 'Bitches Brew' has finished, oh yes

Monday 23 March 2015

3140 - Glory glory

Poor Josie's ill at home off school today
But good news cheered her up before too long
I got a call from Man United. They
Said she'd been selected to walk along
The Old Trafford tunnel, shyly clinging
To a United player's hand in hers
Then walking onto the pitch as roaring
Reaches a crescendo, Reds and City's
Rival fans outshouting each in chorus
It's the kind of experience kids pray
For, especially at that age. Dreams aren't wrong
She dreamed recently of meeting players
Now it's on the horizon, on Sunday
The 12th of April. Sing your football song!

Sunday 22 March 2015

3139 - Sunday Sunny Sunday

A lovely sunny Sunday in the spring
Next week the clocks go forward, giving light
That lasts an hour longer in evenings
That's when I'll buy some flowers to go right
Into this empty vase on my desk, bright-
ness brought to the flat's living-room, colour
Maybe some daffodils, yellow and pert
It's nice doing up the flat, make it more
Liveable in, appealing to others
Done lots today, cleaned the spare room, taking
Those dusty coarse woollen mats finally out
They're in the recycling bins now. The floor
Is marked in pencil, double bed sizing
Yes, it should fit OK when floor's made right

Saturday 21 March 2015

3138 - Floor talk

I went out last night soon after sonnet-
Writing, so just as well didn't waste time
Before I got the call. Had a good chat
With Dermot, just back from Milan, and time
Was one of our themes, as was films. Not rhyme
But comedy and comedians, funny
To take the piss out of some who still climb
On stage but never get a laugh. 'Bout three
When I hit the sack. Talkin' bout beddy-
Byes, was looking at new beds today at
Benson's For Beds near Old T, and think I'm
Settled on one I'd like for spare room, be
Easier to find a lodger, but first, got
To improve the flooring, make home from home

Friday 20 March 2015

3137 - Black hole moon

Oh hell, I forgot my exercises
And now I've eaten a big meal, so I
Don't think I can do press-ups and stretches
And stomach-straining stuff, or I might throw
This morning, nipped out of the office to
See the partial eclipse up on Bridge Street
And of course I took a picture or two
I saw a crescent sun briefly shine bright
My eyes felt dazzled for several minutes
Once I had sat back at my desk. It was
The first here since '99, after my
John o'Groats to Land's End bike ride, that feat
Remembered in a tattoo. My task is
Tonight to finish that huge book. I'll try!

Thursday 19 March 2015

3136 - Set in stone

I was supposed to go to an event
But after a long day at work and since
No-one wanted to go with me, I went
Home instead, to relax after my sins
Having thrashed through the ashes of a once
Promising career, though they say I'm good
They always mark me down when the year ends
If only someone had said yes, I could
At long last have finally attended
And explored the interior like I've meant
To so often, that is, the John Rylands
Library, Victorian splendour in wood
And stone, but maybe soon that long intent
Will be realised, and with or without friends

Wednesday 18 March 2015

3135 - Feelin' good

Just got back from the Wilko gig, was at
The Ritz, always a good venue when you
Go, and as usual was easy to get
To the front. Took some blurred pix of Wilko
And band. The bassist was virtuoso
Lots of jazzy and really fast playing
The drummer was Dylan Howe, seen before
Backing his dad Steve's three-piece band. Rocking
The joint tonight they were, considering
Wilko had half his insides taken out
While suffering from cancer. Dancing through
The gig across the stage, meanwhile spraying
The crowd with machine-gun guitar. All got
Their money's worth. A Feelgood night, woo hoo!



3134 - Stay strong

People disappoint, so you carry on
With each rebuff, you garner a bit more
Self-belief, you just have a bit more fun
Strength of character, borne out of those bores
You realise that all they have is poor
Compared to your hard won separateness
If you can keep that, then they can't compare
There is such a thing as your righteousness
As one with people who have passed the test
Walked through fire, tempered themselves with iron
And nothing frightens you then, you are sore
But have the weapons to resist their guess
Their lack of knowledge, their innate boredom
Who cares what they think, their thoughts make you snore

Tue 17 March

Monday 16 March 2015

3133 - They wanna be elected

I'm doing this now while I'm waiting to
Watch The One Show - will Jackie Hagan be
On it? Then I'll spend some time learning new
Lyrics for my ebola comedy
Tomorrow at the King's Arms - come and see!
Last night I had a good guitar practice
Playing along to Serge Gainsbourg - mais oui
Tonight it's Stevie Winwood and Traffic
I hope to practice that stuff, with no pick
I've stopped using it - now fingers will do
Meanwhile the election's not far off. We
Are five years down the road from Dave and Nick
Cosying up in the rose garden, two
Conspirators of our democracy

Sunday 15 March 2015

3132 - St Patrick's hat-trick

Woke up at nine, still tired but thought I could
Watch The Championship, but it wasn't on
Why not? I could've slept longer in bed!
Still, though I stayed in, managed to have fun
Need to recuperate after not one
But two rather late nights with some drinking
Actually, lots of drinking. It was fun
Friday out with Helen, and enjoying
The St Patrick's Day vibe, and then driving
To Greasby to see Mum and have a good
Meal and laugh there at Ellie's Restaurant
Followed by a night out, drinks and chatting
Today mainly I dismantled the bed
In the spare room. Goodbye bunk bed (wooden)!

3131 - The fish in Spain

Another night out with Nancy and friends
Dermot joined us later on, but it was
Fun mixing English with Spanish til then
Now I've had enough beer to last, the buzz
Has been enough to see me through, because
I'm ready for bed, but I admit hunger
Is there quite strongly, so I might just graze
On what is in the fridge or upon the
Shelf, even if it's in tins. Sardines stare
At me from there, daring me to intend
To open them and guzzle. Puzzle is
Whether it's too late, is this thinking fair?
No, I don't think so, it's so long since when
I ate properly, this lunchtime, and time flies...

Sat 14 March

Saturday 14 March 2015

3130 - One night

That was a fun night out with Helen, yes
But I'm still a single guy, don't think I
Am ready to settle down, not for years
If ever, so I'll continue to try
Ploughing my own furrow and say goodbye
As well as hello, though I still want fun
That's the main thing I want, don't want to cry
Or care too much, as I'm a sucker, one
Who can be led too far down the garden
Path, where thistles lie. Until then I guess
I'd rather run and hide and say I spy
It's all a laugh, not serious, no web spun
Will capture me, and so I must confess
I like the current situation, yes I'm sly

Fri 13 March

Thursday 12 March 2015

3129 - Peter Powell ate my hamster

Quick sonnet before Top of the Pops starts
Top of the Pops 1980, that is
This is the time the programme used to start
7.30 Thursday evening, it is
It used to help Thursdays go with a fizz
Though Tomorrow's World just before was dull
I kind of sat through it with half-closed eyes
Waiting to see which bands were on, a thrill
Even if only one act was the deal
Memories that stayed for ever, don't depart
Because there was so little then for us
Kids with not a great deal, with boring meals
Well now it's half way through, I've seen The Beat
The Buggles, The Tourists, it's not finished...

Wednesday 11 March 2015

3128 - Wrestling with women

I'm tired, even though I slept til near nine
Stayed up quite late, two nights out in a row
And I can't even be bothered to iron
Would rather read more of that book, to go
Closer to the end of the huge thing, know
That I can then take books on the train once
Again, books that don't weigh a ton, don't grow
Too big and heavy, like two wrestlers' sons
Do women wrestle? Yes of course they can
Sit on each other, but I wonder when
They wrestle, do they violently throw
Each other around, is their style like men's?
And women's rugby's a favourite of mine
Think I'd like to watch it. Watch your ears, though!

Tuesday 10 March 2015

3127 - Quizzical versus physical

Well that's a hundred per cent record, man
We won the Railway pub quiz again with
Me there, three out of three, must have a brain
Our prize is a beer token each, that's worth
Approximately three quid, lol, herewith
I stake my claim to be a brainbox, but
Three quid is the reward for that, henceforth
I might be thicker and earn more! Rebut
These theories that academic input
Is always the best. The consensus ran
Around the table that the kin and kith
Of 'thick' people can be just as with it
As richer better-educated men
And women, for whatever that is worth

3126 - Al jazz era

It's been a fun night out in Manchester
With Pearl, we went to Matt and Phred's jazz club
For the jazz jam, inevitably the
Standard was really high, quite a hubbub
For a Monday night. There was a whole tub
Of jazz, a good sax player and many
Pianists, who are they all, they're from up
Here in the north, I assume, they could be
However from down south, or Italy
Quite a few tourists in the place for sure
Good chat with Pearl, met Richard C, a pub
Quiz with him tomorrow, Alexia she
Should be there too, will be good to see her
And hopefully resume winning the cup!

Mon 9 March

Sunday 8 March 2015

3125 - It's gnat funny

Enjoying a quiet Sunday evening in
In the evening, evening in, evening all
Bend your knees laddies, ladies welcoming
You up their ladders to the window sill
Aladdin's flying all around the world
On a magic carpet ride starting at
The Carpathians, going to Istanbul
Straining all corpuscles like a pet cat
Training from St Pancras with Stan and Pat
Pancake Day's fading, Lent is just lending
Like spending time saving your dollar bill
Will Dalai Lama harm a fly or gnat?
Employing a quite funny scheme rhyming
Sorry, rhyming scheme, this sonnet's full

Saturday 7 March 2015

3124 - Steakpool

Day out in Liverpool with lil Josie
The living was cool cos it was quite hot
For the first time this year was uneasy
Walking around wearing my winter coat
I carried it around all day. We both
Walked past the shops looking for a lunch place
In the centre there wasn't a good spot
So we headed towards the Mersey waves
And found somewhere in Albert Dock, two steaks
Headed back to the shops, Jo said that she
Needed a Mother's Day present. She shopped
Around for make-up or clothes, couldn't face
Getting the wrong-sized dress, so finally
Got stuff from Boots which, well, cost quite a lot

Friday 6 March 2015

3123 - Seasons of shiver

I've put the heat on - but they said it was
Getting warmer! Not yet it's not, not hot
At all, the heat is small, it's at micros-
copic size, like the world's smallest teapot
Divided by a million, that's a lot
Of tiny teabags from me, Tea Bagster
The heating's on now though, it's a hotspot
The heat is on, and heating up faster
It's blasting out heat, a master blaster
Such waves of heat, heatwave without a pause
Actually it ain't so hot, no it's not
But I'm snug as a pearl in an oyster
With my warm woolly on, it's quite a buzz
A cup of tea, and writing this sonnet

Thursday 5 March 2015

3122 - Relation blips

Back home from a few drinks and meal with Pearl
She looked thin and well though she's been stressed out
After our drinks we had an Asian meal
Only ten quid for two at Yasgar's - great
Value, and a great plate of grub to boot
Piled high, took me a while to eat it up
While catching up on her love life, she's cute
The way she falls for guys, she should wise up
Sad after the Portuguese housemate, drip
Drop of sad partings, journey north, mad swirl
Of mixed emotions, within and without
Good to see at least that she can now step
Out in nice shoes again, recovered foot
It's been a good catch-up with my big girl

Wednesday 4 March 2015

3121 - Pub housing

It was a real fun night last night. Something
I hadn't remembered or really known
Is that the same pub, on the following
Night - Wednesday - has a variety open
Mic night. MIGHT be a good place to be seen
It's been cancelled tonight but next week I
Might see what it's like. I now can attend
Quite a few local nights. There's the Deli
Lama, the King's Arms, the Salford Arms, try
To win over strangers by my joking
And playing guitar. And I do attend
Events at The Crescent occasionally
I must take advantage of these happenings
In these cool pubs in this now thriving zone

3120 - Get on board

Tonight was one of the best ever nights
At The Worst Comedy Night in Salford
There were some lows but those lows hit the heights
I laughed uncontrollably at the words
Even though they were nonsense, can't afford
To be too serious about comedy
Though some take that approach, think they can forge
A path by being pushy though not funny
Fuck those bastards, there's no room there for me
That's not for me, and Dave T agrees. Flights
Of mirth should be underpinned by accord
That love and respect are vital, and we
Are agreed on that point, we don't lose sight
Of equality, women, men, on board!

Tue 3 March

Monday 2 March 2015

3119 - Okey jokey

It's already late, cos stayed late at work
To apply for a different job, actually
May not get it of course, but didn't shirk
The tough application process, easy
It's not, filling the forms in desperately
As the deadline looms, trying hard to think
Of good things you've done at work recently
As opposed to the cock-ups and such things
Tomorrow's comedy night, Might not sing
This time, haven't rehearsed a song. A joke
Or two could be extracted probably
From my big book of slightly amusing
One-liners. There's so many I could take!
I'll decide tomorrow, really quickly!

Sunday 1 March 2015

3118 - First full day alone (although spent with Josie)

First day of truly being alone, now Lou
Has been in London since yesterday when
I took him down with his stuff right up to
The gate of his new shared flat. Now I can
Do what I want when I want where I want
And I'll enjoy that, though with some regret
Because it's better with two. I must plan
For a lodger, cos I need to inject
Some income into my empty wallet
Preferably some clean crisp notes that will do
Amazing things for me, though it's quite zen
How cheap paper has such value, and it
Is just symbolic really. But gold's too
Rare to be used on a mass scale by man