3292 - Absolute professionals

Just got home from the Absolute Bowie
Gig at the Ruby Lounge, it was good stuff
Though many guitar solos deafened me
I was right by the speaker, made me deaf
The first part of the set were highlights of
The Ziggy Stardust songs, the middle was
The mid-70s funky pop, enough
People were dancing, Golden Years
And though less funky, also Life on Mars
The third part was the least interesting to me
But still good in parts, though of course the guff
Of Let's Dance had to be played, yes of course!
Tired myself earlier writing poetry
And finished Fifty Shades, no that's no bluff!

Sat 22 Aug

3290 - Smokey losers

Second night at Tiger Lounge, with mine host
Tuesday Tony, but this time I went on
And did the Egyptian jokes that were lost
To the world from Tuesday's cancellation
Of The Worst Comedy Night, where I've long
Performed to great acclaim, but now I've dipped
My toes in other waters, ok, none
Of the paying public, no money slipped
From purses or wallets, but these guys trip
The light puntastic, are better than hosts
Of dull-witted or supine audience, fun
Though they may have, I'd like to see them flipped
Onto the stage to see them turn to toast
Big up for amateur comedy turns!!

3289 - Snigger Lounge

Amazingly, despite last night's late night
And a busy day at work following
I went out tonight to comedy night
At Tiger Lounge, 'bout which I been hearing
And enjoyed the acts, sitting there watching
A Guinness then two cheap ciders I drank
Met a few new people, reacquainting
Myself with Tuesday Tony, and to think
Some of these guys were good, no, no-one stank
So not much time but tomorrow I might
Have to up my game to be impressing
What will I do, will look at the jokes bank
And look at the material from last night
I didn't do, and do quick rehearsing!

3281 - Strum and dusted

Looking forward to a guitar session
Tonight, had a good 'un last night playing
Beach Boys, and there's more of the same to come
It really pays dividends, practising
Well not literally but know my meaning
Can routinely play now quite well without
Feeling a need to slow down by looking
We don't look when we walk, don't think about
It, talk casually, look around, chill out
As we stroll almost mindlessly along
That's what I want when I'm stood there strumming
No effort required, very little thought
And won't be satisfied til I am one
Of that ilk, able to chat, joke or sing

3274 - Reggae Reggae Sauce

A good night at the Worst Comedy Night
In Salford, hosted by old Dave Turquoise
I was dog tired, pints shook in my hand, plight
Portended disaster, plus there was noise
Throughout, dub reggae wid de ridmic ploys
For de jerk chicken cookery routine
De backgroun' music helped de girls an' boys
Get into de riddim. Twenties and teens
Mebbe didna get all dem ref'rences
But overall despite my old stage fright
I remembered de lyrics an' jokes, those
Cringeworthy old chestnuts, dose ol' baked beans
So now I'll jus' settle down, tiredness quite
A ting of de past, like reggae reggae sauce

Tue 4 August

3273 - Jamming tomorrow

It's comedy tomorrow,  reggae theme
Got to learn the words, that is the main thing
If you know  the words it goes like a dream
If not, you can easily end up screwing
It up, as hesitatingly you sing
Or tell your jokes or comments, whatever
So after my tea, I'll be rehearsing
To try to learn my stuff, that's only fair
At least I was laughing when I compared
My lyrics to the originals, deemed
Quite sniggerable, although it's me saying
So myself. To sing it just like a bird
I need to run through it and get it clean
Into my memory bright and shining

3268 - Lots of strings attached

I'm getting hungry after my guitar
Session, which went quite well, again, and now
I play without looking, not like before
And strangely, it feels easier somehow
KJ and S & the B's were a wow
In my hands, all seems now so straightforward
And more practice to come, that will allow
Me to not just stand still but move forward
And then of stage performance, no coward
No comedy performers will compare
And if I keep it simple I should grow
In confidence and then become well 'ard
Anyway, before I become a bore
I'll quit this and start cooking, and so ciao!

3260 - Edinbeer

A fun day at work and after work when
I took Javier to the Worst Comedy Night
In Salford, hosted by Paul. Dave was in -
disposed, rehearsing for Edinburgh. Quite
A tall order then for him. I won't fight
Myself for the honour of playing up there
Competing with so many, it's a night-
mare, to be sure, up in Edinburgh
Comedian's graveyard, place to self-bury
Not a big audience but got share of grins
The so-called difficult audience no fright
If you've got material, like anywhere
And now to bed, not so late as it's been
In the past. Nice pint of beer chocolate

Tue 21 July

3237 - Make it hard

Completely forgot to do yesterday's
Sonnet diary. Well, remembered at one
Point, but then forgot again as I based
Myself in the moment, distracted from
A magazine, a TV show. Early on
I painted walls and window sills all white
Trying to cover discolouration
Brown stains and dirty fingerprints. It's nice
Now but not even. Guess I need advice
In decorating technique in this place
Played guitar, struggled at first, the volume
Was a bit quiet to hear the music, plus
I wore my Soviet hat and some dark shades
To make it harder like a performance

About Sun 28 June

3232 - Early night - just after midnight

I'm doing well in keeping off the sauce
On week-nights - just been out to comedy
And had just one pint, not enough of course
To get into that spiral so needy
Where I crave more, and fags too, indeedy
I buy more on the way home and drink more
Staying up late, dehydrating, money-
Terminating, stagnating, staying poor
Even if I've had a good night before
During and after. I got some applause
Doing my God act, playing God (hee hee)
But although I was sober, failed before
Them all, forgot the words, felt a lost cause
Whereas I should've gone on fearlessly

Tue 23 June

3213 - Nothing ventured...

As ever, it's always worth venturing
Out. I was invited to a poetry
Slam at Fuel Bar, not imagining
I'd win, and I didn't, but met Tuesday
Tony, a comedy compere, he told me
I should go to Montpellier next Thursday
Which I will do and do some comedy
Which seems to be my God-given forte
And then there's an event on Saturday
At Tiger Lounge, so it was worth going
Out tonight, and I also saw Jackie
Who told me about another fun day
Sorry, evening at 3MT starting
A new weird quiz she said was right for me!

3203 - Driving Miss Crazy

I've enjoyed my Bank Holiday Monday
Stayed home and did all sorts of things, relaxed
Tomorrow is another off-work day
My driving awareness course that I asked
To attend to avoid points. Harms your track
Record to have speeding points on licence
So I'll have a haircut, head for the trams
To Bury, all the while I will rehearse
My comedy sets for Tuesday and Wednes-
day (King's Arms and Tiger Lounge), though must say
I need to rehearse right now, practice fast
Or I won't see through my sunglasses lens
When I wear shades and hat to look OK
Trying to hide my thin and greying locks

3175 - Get ready, here I come

I got my phone problems fixed, all's ready
Now for my trip on Wednesday, feeling good
Not rehearsed though for Tuesday's comedy
That'll have to wait til after work, could
Do an hour or two tomorrow, that should
Be enough for stuff I've done once before
Bohemian Crapsody's been requested
Need to practice or be crap on the floor
Of the King's Arms, which can strangle the poor
In wit, I must admit, so let Tony
Have time to learn his guitar chucklehood
You can't be good straight away, that's the law
I'm getting tired now but I feel happy
I'll have milk and chocolate, then hit my bed

3168 - Beer giggles

The gig went OK, some audience looked tired
I don't blame them after some of those acts
Some boring readers meant the fun retired
And when I went on, atmosphere was flat
But Pearl came and she said there were some laughs
She also appreciated my cover
Of Nina Simone, but with changed lyrics
Difficult stuff but I put it over
And that gives me confidence for future
My rehearsals paid off. Easy to read
Stuff from a page, easy even with gags
But harder without a piece of paper
I have admired performers who have tried
To memorise their stuff, and they get claps

Mon 20 April

3167 - Tomorrow night

A late night sonnet from a tired brain
I've spent hours today learning material
For tomorrow's gig. It's not going to rain
That's good news when you've got to walk a mile
Or two carrying a guitar. The Castle
Pub's the venue on Oldham Street. I've tried
To learn the gags and lyrics - have I failed?
Well I've still got time tomorrow inside
The flat after work, to run through the slide
Of fingers on fretboard, refine playing
Only run through the two songs tonight - still
More practice needed to make it more tight
The Nina Simone song, that is the main
Difficulty, both chords and lyrical!

3166 - Saturday sun

A lovely warm day, me and Jo were sat
In the sunshine on the railway platform
It felt like a holiday there, just that
Passing time on a bench, sat in the warm
With blue sky overhead, watching ants worm
Their way along the ground looking for things
I cut the day short so that I'll have time
To think about Monday night's act, writing
A few new gags - magic's the theme - keeping
The two comedy songs already got
So in fact it won't take long. Monday's theme
Is magic. Would be tragic though to fling
This gig away, must give it a good shot
Need two good nights' sleep, then I'll be on form

3164 - Coping

Just got back from a gig at Sound Control
In Manchester, the act was Julian Cope
He's about to go to Ireland to hole
Up and write new songs. We all hoped
He'd do some old stuff of course, but the scope
Included newer stuff which I quite liked
So I shelled out ten quid and I bought 'Trip
Advizer' - yes that's how it's spelled. He spiked
Maybe in the eighties but he's since psyched
His fans with other stuff, written a whole
Lot of books and whatnot. Quite a few popes
Have come and gone but he's still here and miked
Up for the occasion. Downstairs I told
His daughter of my travels in Europe!

Thursday 16 April

3158 - If music be the food of jokes

It's Friday evening, I'm happy at home
Thought up some new jokes, looked through some old ones
Got some beer in, but as yet I've had none
Been busy being useful, election's
Providing some topical humour and
This will help me in my performances
I'm in the next two Saturdays, and bound
To make the most of creative chances
To practice and write new stuff, I fancy
Could be good if I do it while fresh - some
Real good stuff can be done quite early on
In the morning, straight after breakfastses
And now for relaxation, all too soon
Some music progs on Beeb 4  that look fun

3155 - Flat broke!

I'm enjoying the new flat floors today
Of course floors are flat - you know what I mean
The new floors in my flat, done yesterday
At lunchtime I went to the bank to clean
Out my account of £600. Mean
Old me does not like that, oh no
But it's a good price, three rooms looking mean
And modern! Got to save before I go
On holiday, or else I will have no
Spends for it! To do that I'll have to stay
In mostly; I can read and learn German
And practice guitar, practice for some shows
Mainly First Draft, but also comedy
At the King's Arms. It's still a happening scene

3151 - Easter funnies

A quiet day at home, though trying quite hard
To do useful stuff. I worked on my act
Got some lyrics for my joke songs that should
Be good for 20th April, First Draft
Watched some TV, comedians from the past
Rik Mayall, Peter Sellers and Bob Hope
Fry and Laurie (on Wogan), lots of laughs
But now sadly I'm losing any hope
As I listen to Derby trying to grope
Their way back up to the top spots, but Lord!
They're behind at home to Watford. They've cracked
Partly due to injuries, they can't cope
With the pressure, it seems. Tomorrow would
Be a chance to learn some German. Mein Kraft!