3094 - Smoke on the porter

Another late night last night, not enough
Got through the day somehow on ten per cent
Fuel left in the tank, driving in a rough
Wilderness with mad savages who meant
To eat me alive, but made sure I went
Left and right, dizzying and dazzling, zoomed
Off just in time, having to pay no rent
Or get it bent or cracked leaving me doomed
And so once more the medicine was spooned
Which enables whole tablefuls of bluff
And turns intentions to smoke like incense
It rises til it's marooned on the moon
Making the world seem like it's on good stuff
And I feel like a clerk who comes from Kent

3086 - Ideal homes, unideal thoughts

It's late, nearly half past one, and I'm here
You've gone to bed, and I'll be there soon, yes
Now what is there to say, what can appear
So many times. so many nights, I guess
I know more than you, that I must confess
Each line is a confession, speech is all
Can you defeat me in this meaningless
Pointless communication, possible
But unlikely, given the overall
State of the universe, the things that are now here
And finite matter, matters nonetheless
Meaning dissipates, disappears, dissolve
Into the ether, beyond my two ears
Becomes meaningless, oh so meaningless

Wed 28 January

3084 - Inconstant muse

Oh muse, hast thou to the bowels of hell flown?
I have no inspiration, no ideas
For poems to write. Leave me not alone
Flow from the fount, the motherlode, the seas
The moment I give thee, quill pen, a squeeze
Let ink duplicate the blue waves of doubt
The squiggles of desire, blots of disease
Let it flow, thin blue lines, within, without
Joined up inking, spell vowel and consonant
Inconstant love, inconsistent froth, foam
Please succour me, I'm sucked down to my knees
In slime, let rip, let rhyme, reason appears
Oh muse of mine, mine my mind, grind and groan
Til I've signed my name, kissed you, and gone home

3075 - Rivers of ebola

As I was walking to Josephine's house
Listening as usual to some great old songs
A song played in my phones 'bout breaking laws
Followed by the rivers of Babylon
It occurred to me Tuesday night's good fun
If I sing new versions of these tunes with
The accent on ebola. New versions
With funny lyrics harping on the myth
That that disease threatens us all, a kiss
Of death away. Though Jo thought me a louse
When I told her of the idea (it pongs
According to her) this is incentive
To finally bring my guitar out and horse
Around, just for fun, no pressure. What's wrong?

3066 - Poor people of Paris

Sad news about the killings in Paris
Religion strikes again, closed mind syndrome
A schizophrenic world-view, a virus
Which glorifies death and thy kingdom come
Let's not say that this is only Islam
There's been enough crusading previously
And it's not limited to religion
There's political ideology
That divides and rules with philosophy
No matter what we believe, seems we must
Resign ourselves to conflict both at home
And abroad. Education is a key
But what philosophy lies behind this
And must it always be liberalism?

3010 - Interstellar interpretation

This evening I went to the cinema
To watch the new big film that's on the block
The motion picture was 'Interstellar'
Like 'Inception' it featured Father Clock
(Well, Father Time don't rhyme, don't mock, don't knock)
And like that other film, it entertained
With concepts and visuals that knock your block
Off, and the loud humming as engines strained
In outer space was something else, sustained
Throbbing that tested the loudspeakers far
Beyond the norm, that seemed to make seats rock
Nolan's sci-fi epics near strain the brain
But stop short of confusing, the idea
Both shown and told so audience can take stock

2947 - Heavy old thing

Agreed Monday night, tonight we'll rehearse
Dermot and me, the comedy duo
Although I'd like if I could pop in first
To the new music open mic night, though
I may never perform there, as I'm so
Scared of playing live music to this day
But a local good music night is oh
So needed, especially if the hosts may
Provide a guitar? I hate lugging my
Heavy old thing around! Then get the purse
Out and sink some pints as we think of new
Funny scenarios, still wanna try
Though we can both do solo, and may, yes
It's fun though chatting and drinking, you know

2913 - Etch a sketch

Despite everything, I will post my post
I'm not sure what to say, as it is late
But basically I'll say what is the most
In my brain at this late hour, trust to fate
Well I met up with Dermot about eight
To resurrect our partnership, and it
Went quite well, swapped ideas, had a debate
About a new comedy scene, a skit
It's all been done before, but some minutes
Were spent and then we agreed we could coast
Along with a sketch in which we relate
A punchline incorrectly, then we hit
The audience with the formula that shows
That we have a good act that they won't hate

Wed 6 August

2875 - Nota bene

I've had a cool relaxing day at home
Not spent a penny, ate well, and worked on
My short stories for a while, for a tome
Of child-friendly fun characters all from
The town of Oldcastle-under-Lemon
A fictional town down in Staffordshire
Found a new hardback notebook sitting in
The living-room cupboard, so that is where
I'm transferring (and redrafting) my store
Of funny stories written so far, some
Already read out loud with some aplomb
And received well, specially Chocolatey Claire
She's my fantasy girl, sweet, mixed with rum
And good enough to eat all summer long

2853 - Football is poetry

Gearing up to watch England / Honduras
With Louis, it's England's last warm-up game
Before the World Cup in Brazil. The first
Thing I saw on TV this morning came
Unexpectedly but very welcome
The highlights of Mexico '70
The first tournament I remember, as
I was only 7 then, shocked to see
That England were the holders. How could we
Be? But on the sticker album front was
Bobby Moore with the old gold cup aflame
In the Wembley sun. Weird discovery
That. Today's football film's useful because
It gave me an idea for Monday's poem

2832 - The Oldcastle Diaries part one

I've been in most of the day. New chair bought
From Staples to replace the old red one
With the crack in. I also bought new pots
And pans. The old ones had rusted, were nine
Years old. Pleasingly, wrote some script again
For my BBC children's idea. And
I'm free to continue tomorrow when
Work is done. Might try the Salford Arms. In
The Central Library, space just can't be found
Students prepping for exams, I'd have thought
I've got some funny characters this time
Which if the Beeb say no I could send round
Theatres and the like, try to get it put
On somewhere. It deserves exposition

2820 - Writing in the Reading Room

Woke up early and took time to decide
Whether to take the day off or go in
It's not my cold, although today I'm tired
The 12th of May's a BBC deadline
For Writer's Room comedy submissions
But it's too late to write 30 pages
No chance, but I noticed another one
Next month for children's stuff that maybe is
Do-able, with my recent short stories
All being in childlike vein, humorous side
To them that folk like, like my last reading
Took today off, realised the library's
A good place to create ideas and write
Was productive, but script not yet begun

2538 - Sweet dreams

Was buzzing today although not much sleep
Earlier to bed tonight, if I'm quick
Tomorrow night we're playing 3MT
A comedy sketch that might be the pick
Of the night, for some anyway, but slick
As well, I hope, that's important, you know
It's not easy even if the idea's sick
People see surfaces not what's below
If you deliver crap well, that can go
Down well, like cheesy chat-up lines some creep
Might come out with in a bar that might stick
Rather than a more individual show
Anyway, it should be well worth a peep
And now to bed, dreams never end their grip

Thur 13 February

2480 - Ad pub

Tonight it's back to the King's Arms pub for
A Christmas comedy party, no less
Not really in the mood for a haw haw
Or a jaw jaw for that matter. Impress
Folk who don't care, it seems almost pointless
But put that aside, it's a chance to try
Some ad lib with Dermot, and catch up, was
In Asia, but he's back. Aim? Make words fly
And loop the loop, mad ideas tumbling by
Quicker than can be quite followed by bore
Or boor. Then beer may follow, hollow quest
Or noble, to swallow your doubts, less dry
Is the world, they'll all be the same, the floor
Will swallow them too. It already has.

2434 - All tomorrow's party pieces

Just passing time at home, though rehearsing
As well as relaxing, planning the show
Continually cutting, then more cutting
Like a gardener, weeding as I go
Letting the good stuff have some light to grow
And not be choked by waffle that kills time
And doesn't produce laughs. The show will flow
Without time-wasting words, God knows that I'm
Trying to cram enough jokes in, and Derm
Likewise wants to say a lot, time ticking
A one-hour show is not long enough? So
That's a weird state of affairs. Not much time
Has ticked by since we started just this spring
Early May, and there's more we've got also

2403 - Rent-a-joke

Good trip down the pub last night with Dermot
Although I was so tired, still drank six pints
And had a laugh, still put away a lot
I'm having a night off from beer tonight
Today down at the office, had a right
Good laugh. Why does everything seem funny
At the moment? Still, can't complain - it's quite
A satisfactory state in which to be
Earlier on I played along to Joni
And Nico. Had a nice idea - it's not
Likely to succeed, seems far-fetched, but might
It be possible to make some money
From selling jokes direct to those who want
Them, all arranged from home on a website?

2518 - Reading between the times

Been rehearsing comedy with Dermot
Who's back from holiday in Croatia
This Tuesday, we are doing solo spots
At the King's Arms, mine was planned earlier
Today, and after that I have read more
Of 'Nicholas Nickleby' - it's so long
But I like classic old novels, they bore
With their length, maybe, but critics aren't wrong
Over a hundred years or more. Belong
To timelessness, racelessness, it is not
About where you come from, where you live now
But seeing beyond, and recreating
Those ecstatic revelations you thought
At university, a new thinker

Sun 28 July

2022 - The sands of rhyme

I'm here in the Sandbar once more, once more
It's dark, subdued, the poetry film plays on
Performances from 1984
There'll be some recitations when it's done
Some invited readers, and I am one
I've written some punk-themed stuff for tonight
Hopefully when I read, my nose won't run
Brian Patten's reading, dair hair curls so tight
This tiny notebook's great - it fits inside
My inside jacket pocket, with my store
Of two pens, good quality, that someone
Got me for Christmas - I've used it to write
Some ideas down, sparked by Mr Roger
McGough, and this sonnet, and maybe more...

Monday 19 March

1925 - Fear of fun

What's going on? Well, Christmas is so near
Yet I've just started preparing for it
Last night online, bought Louis' computer
At lunchtime (on strike) Christmas cards were wrote
And dished out at work. The plan for tonight
Is to watch a game in the Walkabout
Chelsea against Man City, although it
Should have been supporting Janet who's out
Doing her Jewish comic act. I thought
She was good last time, and ideas appeared
In my head that I'd like to once more treat
An audience to my own humour, without
Getting as nervous or as sick with fear
As in the 90s, when I tried and quit

1905 - Revolutions in Bern and St Petersburg

1905 was great and terrible
That year Einstein published five great papers
Explaining Brownian motion, particle
Activity, the action of light, laws
Of relativity, with few real flaws
In his theories despite a humble post
As a patent officer in Bern. Course,
He was a scatter-brain in some ways - most
Mythical mad scientists are. The coast
Of China near Korea, littered with piles
Of Russian and Japanese dead, bled for
Tsar Nicholas, led to extreme unrest
That and the poverty... The crucible
Of Bloody Sunday, soviets grabbing power