3277 - Tattoo-va

My tattoos are healing nicely. After
Getting up, tore off the clingfilm and took
A shower, the bright dye running over
The bath and shower curtain, little brook
Of red ink down the plughole, with a suck
And a bubble. Back home now, just taking
It easy, in my vest to let air circ-
ulate on the tattoos with covering
Of Bepanthen to help with the healing
Process of these three brightly-coloured scars
They're not even that sore, so I'm in luck
Now what to do tonight, I'm wondering
Might get some beer in from Sainsburys super-
market and play guitar, then TV look

3201 - The Pound of Music

My feet ache, as they did regularly
On my recent European holiday
The Eurovision Song Contest's on, they
Are about to vote. Really hope that they
Show some shots of Vienna, where I strayed
Just over a week ago! A great place
So many elegant streets, and much I'd
Like to have seen but didn't have time. Grace
And monumentality, grandeur, space
No, they're going to have an Austrian spree
But in song on stage. Oh well. It's OK
If I want Austrian images, could face
For first time ever, perhaps, just maybe
Watch 'The Sound of Music'! Could be worse, eh?

3143 - Ouch!

I've got a headache - it's dehydration
From last night's drinking, and a day staring
At a computer screen at work. So when
I've done this I'll waste no time in downing
Some paracetamol and ingesting
More drinks, but not coffee or booze of course
So pardon me if you think I'm rushing
This great important work of rhyming verse
But my head hurts and it's gaining in force
Oh damn, just realised something, oh damn
Won't have time to watch 'The Bridge' this evening
On Netflix, cos the debate's taking place
On Channel 4, to be precise, at nine
Cameron and Miliband being annoying...

3004 - See all without travelling

Exciting news, oh yes, exciting news
Is it a royal baby? they wonder
No, that's not it, I've got three new tattoos
On the upper arms and lower shoulder
I'll have you know that's a bony area
And so quite painful to be inked thereon
What were the tattoos of? you all clamour
OK, here goes. First, a souvenir from
Paris, the Eiffel, a silhouette, strong
And straight. Next, the Slovakian crest I used
The one central to their national banner
Last, the two-headed eagle, Albanian
Emblem, black, on red background. Fun to choose
My images, soon may a chance recur!

2922 - Happiness is not a warm sex pistol

Friday night, but not spent in out-patients
A reference to a Smiths song, by the way
Not 'By The Way' - that was by someone else
The Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Yesterday
(The Beatles) I had a red hot curry
Tim Curry, Tim Rice, Andrew Lloyd-Webber
No, they weren't there, that was merely word-play
My sex was on fire, and I'm no fibber
Cos when I got home, pissing hurt. Bieber
May piss you off, but he still has his fans
Though most are extractors, detractors they
Are many, when he's like an amoeba
Camper Van Beethoven spends time in tents
But me, tonight, at home is where I'll stay

2921 - Curry worries

It's getting late, back from a hot curry
In the company of Fat Roland's mates
It was a lamb and garlic, they asked me
How hot, so I replied maximum heat
The waiter was funny, they're often sweet
These fools that ask for a hot one, but then
They can't take it, but my mouth won't be beat
It took me a while, and I was gaspin'
A bit, swigged beer, but that wasn't helpin'
It was Fat Roland's 41st, memory
Awoken on the walk to Rusholme, eighties
Hangouts aplenty, many of them gone
The Clarence is now the Phoenix, he he
It rose from the Irish ashes - that's fate

2564 - Cooking for Mother

It's been a relaxing, fulfilling day
Looking after my mother, after her
Hip op. The pain's gradually going away
And best of all, her appetite's astir
It was fun frying sausages, a fair
Amount of mash with cheese in it, and veg
With thick gravy on top. She ate her share
And then some ice cream for dessert. The fridge
Has a few processed meals that I could cadge
But I'm not a fan of those anyway
I'm just wondering what to cook tomorrow
There's not much main course there - I'll have to budge
Myself off the sofa, shop in Greasby
For meat, fish, be a good food provider

Tue 11 March

2505 - Underwater sports

Day out with Josie, swimming in Stockport
Because the baths in Wilmslow are boring
But from Wilmslow baths vending machine, bought
Some cool black goggles. Now when I'm swimming
My eyes don't hurt, specially when I'm crawling
We swam a few lengths, that was the best part
But also as usual did some sliding
Down the tubes, jacuzzi, messing about
But swimming is really good for the heart
And lungs and arm strength. Was pleased how I hauled
Myself out of the pool with such a spring
My arms are strong, that's exercise's art
And all that walking too. Saturday night
Is now for relaxation and drinking!

2486 - Pain in the brain

Headache! Oh my head! Oh my goddamn head!
It really hurt while I was in the pub
With Louis, watching football, but it led
To me just having one pint. Had no grub
There, having eaten at home. Day was drab
All rain and wind, went to work, saved some leave
Only Andy, Deb, Laura there to blab
To. Also, at lunchtime, searched for a caff
To eat at on Boxing Day. Think we'll have
A Turkish at the Topkapi. Good spread
There. Hope Pearl managed to get the train up
From London okay. Storms have cut a swathe
And caused cancellations, so the news said
My headache's easing, but you can still rub...

2463 - Get your socks off!

Been limping today with my sore foot - ouch!
It's not that bad, it's a corn or bunyan
I think, but on the underneath. To touch
It, it's quite tender, and so to tread on
It with each step is not really much fun
Walking along the canalside, cobbles
And broken, cracked and irregular stone
Ain't easy with a sore foot, but troubles
Still seem to recede beside the bubbles
The birds and geese - that rower, he's no slouch!
This morning, though, I made an appointment
Tomorrow morning at the doc's, I'll pull
Socks off and show her my painful bump, much
To my relief if there's a prescription!

2446 - Typhoon tea

I'm writing this before I step on out
For comedy rehearsals, Friday night
Possibly drinks afterwards with Dermot
I've yet to eat my tea and have a shite
So 'scuse me if I rush this little write
I might get in late. Tomorrow it's wet
For shopping with Nancy, but then it's bright
Again on Sunday. Hope that Josie gets
Well in time for my visit then. Her text
Said she had tonsillitis. Her poor mouth!
I hope she can swallow and she can bite
My poor ill little daughter, my poor pet
And now I'll finish off and fill my plate
Then comedy that's not always polite

2386 - Breaking bad in my head

Quiet day at work, I felt energetic
Having had plenty of sleep once again
Started off with a trip to the clinic
Nothing wrong with me, a check-up, them sayin'
My blood pressure was 'perfect'. They've taken
A blood sample, they'll call if there's a hitch
With that, but I'm really not expectin'
A problem there, beyond the little scratch
Caused by the needle! All day I'd an itch
To get home, play guitar, so soon I picked
It up and bashed some songs out, with some spleen
And ideal. My head's wasted now, 'twas such
A mother of a jam session. I'll stick
To watching 'Breaking Bad' now it's past ten

2347 - Let the waves pound

Deflated feeling, but I will revive
In fact last night had its positive bits
But disappointment's like a twisted knife
Made worse by others receiving plaudits
From the same folk who to me took the piss
But when you notice a room of people
Most smiling, many giggles, one git
Is all it takes to spoil it - one, that's all
Was it even worth one small beer bottle?
Back to tonight, and after work, was brave
And had a new tattoo - memories of what's
On the Copenhagen shore - rocky girl
With a fishtail, she's here for my whole life
See how I've had to put up with some pricks!

2282 - Smoke gets in your eyes

My eyes hurting from oven smoke again
When I cook that fish, the juices they burn
I open the door of the hot oven
And smoke gets in my eyes - I never learn
But this is hardly a major concern
It's temporary, as was my neck pain
Heart pain, any pain, it's all the same when
You look at it and think it through your brain
To worry unduly is just insane
Money worries belong to everyone
Even the rich get stressed out - will their turn
Come? The taxman and the wife won't complain
As long as you give it away (to them)
Bad as they seem, these days will not return

2269 - The prawn sandwich brigade

Sunday night I had fried eggs, beans and toast
Since then I've felt great, all energetic
So if you want to know what works the most
That, and also dark chocolate, and garlic
These, much like Popeye's spinach, do the trick
That, and sleeping better, which I do now
Since my neck pain lessened. Don't even take
Painkiller or sleeping tablet - somehow
They're not needed, so I forget them. How
Nice it is to be pain-free, such a boost
Feel like a fish in a cleaned-up oil slick
Like an only calf of big-uddered cow
A postman who's delivered all his post
A porn star with the most enormous ... prawn sandwich

2264 - Pillow fight

My pain is slowly easing every day
But at night-time it flares up - when I wake
My right shoulder seems like it wants to say
Get me a physio - why don't you take
This pain away, this endless trapped nerve ache
But on the NHS it's not quick, dear old nerve
And you've got a nerve, want to have your cake
And eat it too, do you, d'you think I love
This war of nerves, too nervous to remove
Myself to a private clinic, won't pay
Can't pay, no way, no matter how high stakes
Tried dispensing with pillow - unlike glove
It doesn't fit my neck - but the pain stays
So please get better faster, for God's sake!

2261 - UK decay

Oh God, last night back in my own bed, it
Was aching - what was? - my old shoulder strain
That's been there about two weeks. Thought it got
Better on holiday, even stopped pain-
Killers so I could drink lager, and then
I also had to carry my baggage
And sleep in strange noisy dorms. Only when
I'm back home does it bloody hurt, savage
Interruption to sleep. Get up, forage
For almost forgotten sleeping tablet
Not needed for days. 6 a.m. layin'
In the spare room, almost time for leakage
Of dawn light round the curtains. Been a bit
Better at work, but body still complains

2254 - Thrills, pills and bar bills

Off work, first did ironing, then to the doc's
With my sore shoulder, it's still hurting now
But she gave me a strong painkiller that's
Helped, and deep heat rub ointment that allowed
Me to practice my songs for a good hour
Or two without pain, for tonight's big show
At the 3 Minute Theatre, as the showers
Ended, it began, raising funds to go
Towards a dyspraxia self-help group. So
What did I do? Three songs, the audience clapped
I didn't win the prize - they didn't know
My stage name maybe?! Excuses! I'll go
To bed now and hopefully sleep, with lots
Of pills to help me. Denmark tomorrow!

2253 - Miracle cure

My neck felt better today - it's still sore
But it's definitely getting better
After a weekend aching to the core
I rose early, telephoned the doctor
But was connected to the wrong number
I popped in on the way to work to make
An appointment for tomorrow, and sure
Enough, that act has worked its strange magic
I'm getting better, not well but less sick
May this improvement improve much much more
Tomorrow night's charity fundraiser
Needs me to feel good and play fantastic
The next day I fly to the Danish shore
To meet a little mermaid and net her

2252 - Gonga Din

In all day, decided not to see Jo
Still afflicted by pain, trapped nerve, maybe
Didn't feel like getting train to Wilmslow
Just for lunch, as I had a date you see
In the evening, with Janet - well, to be
Honest, she's just a friend. We like to go
Together to see nights of comedy
Tonight the Comedy Store, saw gong go
At King Gong, gonging them off, see them go
Going gonging gone. The amateur show
Saw several budding joke-tellers that we
Saw last time around. Still no ho-ho-ho
Most reliable is Dave Dynamo
He's accomplished at not being funny

Sun 4 Nov