3288 - Comedy of nevers

Only three hours' sleep, got up before six
Started thinking of comedy routine
I was due to perform (about Egypt)
But when I got there, there was no-one in
And so the comedy didn't happen
So instead had some drinks, Dermot was there
Javi went too, and Jackie O'Hagan
Caught the end of the match. United were
Lucky to beat Bruges 3-1, was the hair
Of Fellaini that did it, hair that fixed
The result in the Reds' favour. We'd been
In the Salford Arms, then Mulligans where
We had another, met these guys, told jokes
A guy played spoons, home beer before bedtime!

Tue 18 August

3285 -Beer googles

I've been out in Glossop, it was good fun
And now I'm back watching Match of the Day
Pint after pint, and laughs with some women
The sun came out and it became wa-hay
Breasts were on show, it was worth it, I'd say
Now I'm back home, Newcastle struggling
How come Maclaren's their coach, was Derby
But we sacked him cos he lost it, moving
To the Magpies, now Swansea are beating
Them. Beer rules all, it's all one, it's all one
Stood in the beer garden nonsense held sway
Although some woman was really interesting
In her leather jacket, it's good to learn
From her, and I did, now back home, wa-hay

3283 - New men in town

Derby have had a woeful beginning
To the season with new coach Paul Clement
Last night we lost to Portsmouth, the Carling
Cup, first round, mid-August, yes, we were sent
Packing with ease, the Rams a team that's meant
To be promotion favourites, Portsmouth bossed
The game. apparently, thank God didn't
Watch it down the pub, all alone and lost
In the Salford Arms TV room. We're toast!
Meanwhile, the Labour leadership's coming
To a head, three would-be leaders hell-bent
On trashing Jeremy Corbyn, the most
Persuasive of the four, too left-leaning
For a Labour man. Shocking! Jez - repent!

3282 - Pyramid theme

Had thought maybe I'd go and watch Derby
Play in the Carling Cup, but think I'll stay
In instead, on the radio there'll be
Updates at least, and maybe I can pay
Attention to writing comedy. They
Have asked for a theme that doesn't inspire -
Egypt or belly dancing - I won't say
I'll ignore the theme, cos I am a tryer
But Ancient Egypt, I am not a buyer
I could do an anecdote 'bout belly
Dancing - remember Istanbul? - but hey
Not sure if anecdotes are my desire
At least of alcohol and fags I'm free
Til I go to Glossop this Saturday

3280 - City dwellers, successful fellas

Not much to report today, except for
The changing British weather, now sunny
And warm, now raining, wonder what's in store
From one moment to next, can't wait to see
The front door's fixed, I got a brand new key
Got to do a copy for the lodger
Tomorrow a duplicate for Javi
Just remembered, tonight it's Manchester
City's first game, against West Brom, it's the
First chance to make a statement, Blues could soar
To top of table tonight, seem to be
Contenders for the title. And they were
Pleased no doubt at Chelsea's stumble, a poor
Draw at home to unfancied team, Swansea

3278 - Tutti footy

Hello fool, I have somehow got back in
Time to watch the first week's football highlights
At 9pm of the Football League, been
In Huddersfield all day, drinking. I might
Not only have missed this, but the great sight
Of the first Match of the Day of this year
Or season 15-16, the first night
Javi's still out, but he'll soon be back here
I hope when they show Derby's game I'll cheer
I saw some Rams fans en route to Bolton
Also lots of Reds fans hoping they might
See MUFC beat Spurs, a slight fear
In their hearts maybe, but they got a win
Now one last line, then sit back, hit the heights

3275 - From Thailand to Spain via Croatia

Nice day at work, just three of us were in
And at lunchtime I met Pearl for a meal
We went to Thaikhun, two courses, filling
And tasty, catching up with news of Pearl
She's off to Croatia soon, me as well
But I'll be there about two weeks later
We're both visiting Split, it looks a real
Nice place. This evening at home, played guitar
I'm starting to play it now like a star
Although of course it's harder when playing
Live, trying to sing at the same time, tell
Me about it. Watching Barcelona
Play Roma on Spanish television
The commentary's so quick, can't catch their spiel

3271 - Shirt scene

Hello, can you hear me, or at least see
It's Saturday night, nearly half-past ten
I've been out of course to see my Josie
We went to Man United, she's a fan
And today was the first day, the day when
You could buy the new shirt by Adidas
The shop was crowded, we went there again
Juan Mata shirts were there, but populous
Was the Rooney shirt, guess that's no surprise
After getting home, guitar playing spree
The old French stuff by Trenet and Sablon
I've listened to this stuff repetitious
And now I can play it, oui, oui, merci
It's so much fun, oh yes it's so much fun

3254 - Good day at the office and flat

So this is the first full day Javi's here
And all is well, it's looking pretty good
We're even both quite interested in beer
And football is something that we both should
Be able to watch and enjoy, and food
Is not a problem either, simple tastes
On both sides, useful because we sure would
Struggle to fit it in the fridge where space
Is limited. So we have a good base
For moving forward gradually this year
The new bed's good, and for that price it should
Be! But that money's certainly no waste
Because it'll be there for the future
I could use it myself in times ahead!

3250 - Madchester United

Here we are, two thirty at night again
It seems so long now since I met Josie
And we went to Old Trafford once again
The foreign tourists in their numbers be
Takin' their selfies in front of Bobby
Denis and Georgie Best, finger pointing
I wonder how long this will last, now she
Is getting into music, referencing
Nineties Britpop and house, she's digging
The stuff I dabbled with when I was an
Oldie already, rave beats set to the
Old songs from the sixties, recycling
Mixing, nothing new, good stuff, yes, but then
As long as it sells, people are happy

Sat 11 July

3223 - Age of enlightenment (of the hair)

Went with Josie to Old T yet again
This time there was a fun match on
Man U Legends (old players) up against
Bayern Munich All-Stars, including one
Old great from my childhood years, the German
World Cup winner from '74, Paul
Breitner, then he had an afro, long gone
Now just thin grey hair ... how the hair does fall
Out in places, and get thinner. It's all
So inevitable, Paul. Yes, a win
For the home team, Jo's brought luck when we've gone
To watch games there, three out of three. Walk tall
United fans, though they're below the en-
emy, City, at present (they've less funds...!!)

3221 - 'Good' and 'fun' don't mix

Is it the right thing to do, to cut down
On cigs and booze, although it's healthier
Does it mean I'm boring and old and brown
Tired, burned out, over the hill, washed up, square?
Boozing is partying, fun, debonair
Being good is like my parents, boring
What's the point of that, boredom's heard to bear
Aren't I allowed a Friday night's drinking?
Psychologically weak at resisting
Like English footballers in big games, found
Lily-livered, bashful and full of fear
As has happened before, just the thinking
About this on a Friday night is grounds
For rushing out to buy booze, just, once, more...?

3215 - Hexagon of life

The Champions League Final has just ended
And Barcelona did beat Juventus
As expected, yes, as I predicted
And they deserved it, they played the best stuff
The Cup's about to be dished out, Suarez
With his teeth will be smiling, no doubt. And
Today hung out with Josie Wosie, she's
In that pre-teen phase where she could offend
Her parents. Parents - hmmph! Old folks, the end
Of respectability for us. Did
The usual walk round the Arndale, purchased
Presents for Grandma Anita. Things end
But new things begin, grab them with both hands
Only one life, as they say to all us!

3206 - The thousand year FIFA

Sepp Hitler, sorry, Blatter, won't resign
No matter how they unearth corruption
He obviously has no shame, just a spine
Made of stainless steel, voicing opinion
That all the naughty stuff must stop, and soon
Sorry, NOW! Now please elect me once more
He expects his minions in Cameroon
And Bahrain and Malaysia and Timor
To vote for him, so he can wipe the floor
With those bossy, domineering scions
Those pesky old world empire Europeans
Let's have a World Cup solely in Qatar
In the summer heat in the desert clime
Logical choice? It don't add up, that sum...

3205 - No quarter for Qatar (or Blatter)

A shocking start to the day in Zurich
Dawn raids on senior FIFA potentates
At a prestigious hotel by the lake
With possible fallout affecting states
Who may have won the World Cup-hosting race
Let's hope the US legal team, allied
With the Swiss, on whose soil these things took place
Will not at all be influenced or afraid
How long since level playing fields have been played
The impact on football could be epic
This corrupt balloon of gold must deflate
Blatter must be scythed with a sharp grass blade
The seized computers may reveal a slick
Of oil on the pitch that should seal some fates

3202 - Footy and tea

The daylight's dying, but there'll be no rage
I'm not Dylan Thomas, not meant to be
I'm glad about that, cos he was quite large
And also Welsh. Just joking, obviously
I like the Welsh accent, and musically
There's lots of stars from there who make good sound
Today I made notes to my holiday
Pix, now I won't forget where I was bound
Or what that statue was, or that high ground
That took about three hours, then ate, then watched
The last day of the Premier League, only
Me, no shared comments, Louis' not around
These days. Met Nance for an update engage-
ment over tea, Northern Quarter trendy

3184 - A father, who art in Munich

This is my last full day in Munich and
It was very similar to yesterday
But reversed in order. First, art. Began
With a visit to the Alte Pinakothek
You just gotta love a Flemish master
Or fifty. Plus Rubens, Rembrandt, works not
As well-known to me simply because they're
Not housed in London. After I came out
Of there, the sky cleared, and I had a good
Walk round the 'English Garden' which was grand
Except that I just kept losing my way
Never did find the Chinese Tower! I fought
My way out of that maze to watch Bayern
Get hammered 3-0 by Barca today

Wed 6 May

3183 - Munching in Munchen (at last)

A hot day, did not need to take my coat
Got the U-bahn to the Olympic zone
Really liked the stadium and how it's set
In a park with great views of tower and town
If you climb the hill built on things knocked down
And turned to rubble by British bombing
In the war, then they let grass grow upon
It all, and hey - some nice hills! Tasting
Currywurst for the first time. Interesting
But too much tomato. Then, welcome seat
On the tube to Allianz Arena, home
To Bayern Munich football team. Going
Back to the centre. New museum's got
Lots of info on Nazi Munich. Boom!

Tue 5 May

3160 - Red letter day

A great day out with Jo at Old Trafford
Not only was it a vital derby
But she was a mascot for United
Held hands with Juan Mata, one of those she
Chose in the first place in her fantasy
Numbers were drawn from a hat in the end
She got number ten, we then thought Rooney!
She'll be at the front on TV, her hand
In hand with England's top player, the land
If not the world jealous! But hopes misled -
Instead it meant the tenth man stood in the
Excited queue of Red players, that band
Of men in the tunnel. 4-2 they scored
A great day for her, and of course for me!

3159 - Slowhead

I've felt lethargic all today, maybe
Because I drank a bit last night, but still
It was only four bottles. Watched TV
Some music progs, got my nostalgia fill
Not done much today, found some material
That I'd already written, a joke song
I can use on Tuesday night. Tried as well
As I could in my state to sing along
In my head and learn the lyrics. Morning
Will come tomorrow and on the settee
I'll spend another hour in rehearsal
For Tuesday and the Monday following
I've two songs to learn for that too. But the
Big thing tomorrow's naturally football...