3288 - Comedy of nevers

Only three hours' sleep, got up before six
Started thinking of comedy routine
I was due to perform (about Egypt)
But when I got there, there was no-one in
And so the comedy didn't happen
So instead had some drinks, Dermot was there
Javi went too, and Jackie O'Hagan
Caught the end of the match. United were
Lucky to beat Bruges 3-1, was the hair
Of Fellaini that did it, hair that fixed
The result in the Reds' favour. We'd been
In the Salford Arms, then Mulligans where
We had another, met these guys, told jokes
A guy played spoons, home beer before bedtime!

Tue 18 August

3274 - Reggae Reggae Sauce

A good night at the Worst Comedy Night
In Salford, hosted by old Dave Turquoise
I was dog tired, pints shook in my hand, plight
Portended disaster, plus there was noise
Throughout, dub reggae wid de ridmic ploys
For de jerk chicken cookery routine
De backgroun' music helped de girls an' boys
Get into de riddim. Twenties and teens
Mebbe didna get all dem ref'rences
But overall despite my old stage fright
I remembered de lyrics an' jokes, those
Cringeworthy old chestnuts, dose ol' baked beans
So now I'll jus' settle down, tiredness quite
A ting of de past, like reggae reggae sauce

Tue 4 August

3260 - Edinbeer

A fun day at work and after work when
I took Javier to the Worst Comedy Night
In Salford, hosted by Paul. Dave was in -
disposed, rehearsing for Edinburgh. Quite
A tall order then for him. I won't fight
Myself for the honour of playing up there
Competing with so many, it's a night-
mare, to be sure, up in Edinburgh
Comedian's graveyard, place to self-bury
Not a big audience but got share of grins
The so-called difficult audience no fright
If you've got material, like anywhere
And now to bed, not so late as it's been
In the past. Nice pint of beer chocolate

Tue 21 July

3243 - Quays to the city

A warm day, went out in shorts and t-shirt
On the train to see Jo, had a coffee
At Tania's, her back's broken but not worse
Than it was before her brace (fits nicely)
Avoiding in Ramadan the city
Centre where possible, we caught the bus
Part way to Salford Quays, got off safely
Despite a madman on the bus, then passed
Some time in Costa, and sat on the grass
Then sat by Man U's stadium talkin' bout
Britpop and Madchester, that's what Josie
Likes now, the Gallaghers from Oasis
Blur and the Stone Roses, she knows their 'shit'
While it's all funny memories for me

3222 - Buy Shitty Rollers

A fairly good day, painted the spare room
Having found some paint, well eventually
After Argos, despite web claims, had none
I bought a new doormat, and shirt from T.
K. Maxx, then walked up Regent Road to see
If I could buy some paint from a big store
Thought there might be one there near PMT
Music shop, and there was a Screwfix there
I listened to cassettes while everywhere
On the spare room walls tried to remove gloom
Finger marks, nasty stains that they won't be
Pleased to see if they view the room. I swear
It's still not right, one more time I must zoom
Over the walls with yet more paint, Monday

3148 - I'm not only there for the beer

Off out shortly for a well-deserved pint
At the King's Arms comedy night, Salford
The weather's been bad, a night out I've pined
For these last two evenings, though not been bored
Kept myself busy, word up, word up, word
Started 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo'
Book (seen the film a while back) and it's weird
Very heavy going, interesting too
And a fitting read as I'm sitting through
The many episodes of 'The Bridge' - wind
My mind back to my own memory hoard
Of seeing Copenhagen and Malmo
And travelling the bridge by train, the sound
Crossed, two lands joined that once were far abroad

3137 - Black hole moon

Oh hell, I forgot my exercises
And now I've eaten a big meal, so I
Don't think I can do press-ups and stretches
And stomach-straining stuff, or I might throw
This morning, nipped out of the office to
See the partial eclipse up on Bridge Street
And of course I took a picture or two
I saw a crescent sun briefly shine bright
My eyes felt dazzled for several minutes
Once I had sat back at my desk. It was
The first here since '99, after my
John o'Groats to Land's End bike ride, that feat
Remembered in a tattoo. My task is
Tonight to finish that huge book. I'll try!

3121 - Pub housing

It was a real fun night last night. Something
I hadn't remembered or really known
Is that the same pub, on the following
Night - Wednesday - has a variety open
Mic night. MIGHT be a good place to be seen
It's been cancelled tonight but next week I
Might see what it's like. I now can attend
Quite a few local nights. There's the Deli
Lama, the King's Arms, the Salford Arms, try
To win over strangers by my joking
And playing guitar. And I do attend
Events at The Crescent occasionally
I must take advantage of these happenings
In these cool pubs in this now thriving zone

3120 - Get on board

Tonight was one of the best ever nights
At The Worst Comedy Night in Salford
There were some lows but those lows hit the heights
I laughed uncontrollably at the words
Even though they were nonsense, can't afford
To be too serious about comedy
Though some take that approach, think they can forge
A path by being pushy though not funny
Fuck those bastards, there's no room there for me
That's not for me, and Dave T agrees. Flights
Of mirth should be underpinned by accord
That love and respect are vital, and we
Are agreed on that point, we don't lose sight
Of equality, women, men, on board!

Tue 3 March

3105 - Castles on the ground

A good night out at The Castle watching
First Draft, like concept and execution
Hope to get a slot for next time, checking
Diary and yes I'm free, comedy song
Or two to be be wrote specially, would be wrong
Not to. Tomorrow also, the King's Arms
For another dose, Chinese New Year fun
Will be one of my slightly chortly themes
'Chortly' not recognised as a word. Seems
I made it up. Oh well. Am suffering
From dehydration, though just two pints downed
An earlyish night called for, with sweet dreams
As a bonus, I hope, entertaining
Myself once again, maybe not for long...

3091 - Soulford

Just watching 'Catastrophe' as I've seen
Each episode so far - think it's the third
Have firmed up arrangements this evening
For Tuesday and Wednesday. Comedy first
At the King's Arms, celebrating Dave's birth-
day with some comedy, including my
Ebola-themed music creating mirth
No doubt some pints will be drunk by and by
Then it's the Deli-Lama on Wednesday
To be doing songs there is quite a dream
Quite looking forward to it, feel quite spurred
On somehow, think that I can wing my way
(Perhaps I should do 'Wimoweh'?). I've been
A worrier, but now confidence has girth

3078 - Corny flakes

A fun day, a fun evening's comedy
For the first time in a while, I wielded
My guitar, lugging it so heavily
Through Salford to the King's Arms, fingers dead
Through cold. No, honestly, wasn't that bad
It snowed a little, but the flakes were thin
I was on last this time, Dave acknowledged
My recent birthday, I went on last in
A sparsely attended snug, sniggerin'
Sporadically and periodically
To be amusing the five acts did bid
They mainly found it hard to raise a grin
I did two ebola songs (seriously)
In the name of laughs, to offend, prepared

Tue 20 January

3041 - Tram o'shanter

A chilly day but I was warmly dressed
Met Josie at her house, then Manchester
As usual. And, as usual, the dest-
ination was Old T, United's lair
No match on, just scanning the usual fare
In the Reds'shop, though this time I bought nowt
For her. We walked to the Quays. Harvester
Was where we dined, but it needs sorting out
I may have been overcharged by about
Ten quid. May walk there tomorrow, may rest
Instead and forget about it - see where
Fate takes me, with a whimper or a shout
Any road, it's so parky, need a vest
And thermals, hot water bottle, good sir

Tram o'shanter simply because we travel to Old Trafford by tram!

3034 - Santa's a Red Devil

A chilly day but not too cold. Again
(Yet again) Jo wanted to go to Old
Trafford, and we did, and again I spent
On her while there, but I shouldn't self-scold
It was a Christmas present I was sold
Which was a United away shirt, dark
Blue, with Di Maria on the back. A bold
Move then by Jo which paid off, played off park
I was by her tactics! Still, we had a lark
I looked for the trainers I saw within
Sports Direct in Salford last night, but failed
To find them in town. Think I'll have to walk
Around in shoes til January, tattoos ain't
Affordable now either - they're on hold

3023 - Green Day in Salford

A fun night out at The Crescent, Salford
A pub I've not been in for some time now
Did a few gags, all memorised - that's good
Nice to know sometimes my mind works, you know
And then read a couple of poems, so
Combined the two in ten minutes, the last
And top slot of the night. The night may grow
Which is fitting cos they're the Greens, and sussed
About politics which is good, a must-
Vote option far as I'm concerned. I scored
A hit, I hope, met Red who hosts a show
Each Monday at Sandbar. Don't let the dust
Settle! He described it and said he would
Consider me for a slot there, so wow

2995 - Doctor Poo

It seems like ages, waiting to go out
Still an hour to go, so I'm writing this
To pass the time, rather than jump or shout
Or eat food, whether it be meat or fish
Or even find someone to hug or kiss
It's comedy night in Salford, think I'll
Try my new Dr Baxter stuff, enlist
The tiny audience as critics, a smile
A snigger, even a guffaw, all mile-
stones in road-testing it, to remove doubt
Or increase it maybe, my secret wish
Is to refine it, create a stockpile
Of hilarious medical jokes I'll spout
On bigger stages in front of more eyes

2989 - Starring in the Star Inn...

A tiring day, my brain was fried by lunch-
Time, but I ploughed on through the fallow field
Until the time came that one does call crunch
And I remembered that I had to steal
Away in time to cook a teatime meal
And then wander to meet a long-time friend
And walk through Higher Broughton, such appeal
At night-time, I know, so we could attend
A fun new group, a poetry readaround
At The Star Inn, a pub run by a bunch
Of locals, owned by them too. Have they keeled
Over, I wonder, the poetry crowd
Drinking their pints, their beer bottles and such
While I left, now tee-total....That sounds weird!!!

2982 - Manc street sweepers

The last night's drinking has arrived, just three
Bottles of beer and that's all folks, it's done
I was gonna go out, but you can see
It's pretty wet out there. I did go down
To the Deli-Lama and hung around
Outside to see who was in. No surprise
Not many were out, so I turned around
And went back home. I'm tired, had two late nights
So I'll just strum a while, and close my eyes
Early-ish for a change, get energy
Back for the future life which should be fun
It shouldn't be a drag, should be all smiles
And like 1,2,3 and like ABC
OK, I'll get to it now this is done

2981 - The wurst comedy night in Salford... sausages!

A great night down at the King's Arms, Salford
Worst Comedy Night was a right good laugh
Tom Little was there, fresh from his reward
Of getting to the semi-final, tough
Test, of the Beeb's New Comic comp, sure 'nuff
A star is born, maybe. Lukas was there
Fresh from Llandudno, no duds, all good stuff
Handsome James, Tasty Tom, Grant Curnow's hair-
Brained comedy song, and of course, impaired
Dalek prop, Even some audience applaud!
That was a cringy rhyme, a crime, so naff
Tomorrow's strike day, but I must demur
I'm trying to save, fuckers! Not on board
With that, then. I always walk my own path

2968 - The clothed lunch

So tired, but things are reasonably OK
Looking forward to the pub tomorrow
A lunchtime leaving do, with a buffet
Is better than an appraisal, you know
Just realised I could have a new tattoo
Or three this month, should have the spends, I hope
But also need a plumber, fix the loo
The last one who fixed it did a bad job!
I'm flush with cash, but won't be soon. I'll sob
If it costs much. Last night was up til three
Good tasty pints at Salford Arms, yes, so
Tastier than the Kings Arms, although I gobbed
Back a good ginger pint there, have to say
Derby won again last night, so close now!