1457 - The inherent sexism of public urination

They say never walk under a ladder
Or something might fall down upon your head
But what’s worse is when you’ve a full bladder
And there’s no public lavatory ahead
It’s easier for a man’s load to be shed
I’ve seen it done by football supporters
In full view of a city’s teeming crowd
Or drunk blokes late at night; steaming rivers
That trickle down the walls into gutters
But for agonised females, far harder
They can’t wee standing up, not if well-bred
And if they tried, imagine how coppers
Would throw them in the van after knicker
Repositioning; a scene girls all dread

1456 - Summer unmourned

It felt cold last night as autumn returned
Like some unloved relative come to stay
But there’s something that I’ve gradually learned
And that is that when summer goes away
It’s no longer the death of seaside spray
Of ice cream cones, blue skies, glamorous nights
Though evening light far sooner fades to grey
The other things aren’t lost or out of sight
There’s more blue sky in winter; low sunlight
Blinding the driver as a bend is turned
October’s the month for a holiday
Not costly, cloudy August, when your flight
And room are double. Schoolkids are concerned
At school’s return, true, but not you or I

1455 - Tired of flat tyres

All went well in today’s Sunday sunshine
Until my rear right tyre went pop, then flat
And only yesterday London was mine
I drove there and drove back. Now I know that
We were lucky, but fortune’s wheel is not
So inefficient as to always spin
For me, and can be punctured on a spot
Of glass in Manchester or in London
And after that I can’t keep on winning
So I drove with this flat tyre, trying to find
Somewhere to park, maybe outside my flat
But that’s too far to get to… then within
My mind flits an idea: make a bee-line
For Cedric’s Garage. That’s where my car’s sat…

1454 - Losing my spurs

Today we went to the penultimate
Football team on our complete stadium tour
We started over ten years ago, mate
And today’s team was Tottenham Hotspur
Playing Wigan, and 0-1 was the score
A surprise win for the bottom-placed team
With only about thirty supporters
Yet those thirty must have thought it a dream
Their manager, Martinez, does now seem
Safe for now from the order of the boot
Yes, he was facing the sack if a poor
Result had happened, but this puts some sheen
On his coaching methods. There’ll be a spate
Of high-scoring games, I predict, this year

1453 - A town like Constantinople

In 1453 the Byzantine
Empire fell to the mighty Ottoman
Forces on land and sea, and the front line
Of the Christian / Muslim conflict was on
A westward retreat once more, till Don John
Won at Lepanto, sinking Turkish ships
Like shooting fish in a net. And England
Meanwhile, in ’53, finally let slip
Its Hundred Years War gains and lost all grip
Of Normandy and South West France, declined
To Calais town, its final possession
And finally, this year, the printing trip
Took off with Johnny Gutenberg, a sign
Of progress and of books for everyone

1452 - Abroad thoughts from home

I can’t think of much that’s happened today
I’m back in England, back at work, it’s true
As time goes on th’ impulse to get away
Gets stronger and stronger the longer you
Live, and also if you’ve a bob or two
Then what’s better to do than fly somewhere
Some other patch of land where houses do
Not look quite the same as at home, and their
Way of talking’s so strange, their face and hair
Is somehow different from those down your way
Phone boxes are red at home; there, they’re blue
And the mad way they drive’s enough to scare
The shit out of you. But you better pray
You packed your passport. Where is it? Oh poo!

1451 - Cleared for take-off

No sleep last night that I can quite recall
And so in fact I’m knackered, cream crackered
I smoked and drank so much I thought I’d fall
Into a sleep too deep to be conquered
By my phone’s alarm. Needn’t have bothered
Setting it. Spent the night fretting I’d miss
That train to catch my plane home from abroad
Plus all the normal night disturbances
That shared dorms guarantee; late night pisses
Lights left on, locker doors crashed; all dreams stalled
On the runway, their take-off aborted
But more importantly, the main thing is
I didn’t miss my plane home, seeing all
Of South Yorkshire below, green and chequered