3176 - Bohemian Crapsody part two

The final night in England for a while
Was The Worst Comedy Night in Salford
Dave Turquoise, the MC, his usual style
Me, I didn't have time to learn my words
But did 'Shake, Rattle and Ebola' hard
And relentless, followed by ,Bohemian
Crapsody', appropriate since I'm headed
Tomorrow to Bohemia - Prague's the one
Town you've all heard of there, I'll be ensconced
There tomorrow night, pints upon pints piled
Or maybe not, we'll see. Put to the sword
Will be work for almost two weeks, that's fun
In itself, Hope my suitcase's viable
Last time it almost fell apart at airport!

Tue 28 April

3175 - Get ready, here I come

I got my phone problems fixed, all's ready
Now for my trip on Wednesday, feeling good
Not rehearsed though for Tuesday's comedy
That'll have to wait til after work, could
Do an hour or two tomorrow, that should
Be enough for stuff I've done once before
Bohemian Crapsody's been requested
Need to practice or be crap on the floor
Of the King's Arms, which can strangle the poor
In wit, I must admit, so let Tony
Have time to learn his guitar chucklehood
You can't be good straight away, that's the law
I'm getting tired now but I feel happy
I'll have milk and chocolate, then hit my bed

3174 - Phoney baloney

Phone trouble on the eve of holidays
This is bad timing, the camera is broke
Can't connect to Facebook or read emails
If I don't get this sorted, travel's fucked
And holiday snaps will go up in smoke
Not sure what to do, guess I'll have to talk
Tomorrow lunchtime to O2 shop guys
Or maybe the Samsung repair shop, walk
In there for the third time before goodbyes
To the UK? But time is short, it flies
Before I fly spray-on tan orangeways
That's EasyJet to you and me, a look
Out of the window at the clouds always
Cheers me on my way, this time it's to Prague!

3173 - United in Munich

Am enjoying my evening, had good day
With Josie in Arndale and Old Trafford
A bit of rain but mainly stayed away
And quite warm sunshine meant that it felt good
Strangely when we got to Old T Jo did
Not want to look round the club shop this time
So with the Jappy snappers, stood outside
Then wandered off to Lowry mall, a fine
Mocha in Costa til six, then soon flyin'
Home by tram and train. Now my holiday
Is looking even better, yes I've scored
A hit tonight, I'm meeting Minji Kim
In Munich. For timing that good I'd pray
But no need, it's gonna happen, by God!

3172 - The Greek Sheikh

Good evening, just got back from a big meal
At Dimitri's in Manchester, a Greek
Restaurant that has served us up a real
Great slap-up occasion, though it was steep
Thirty-four quid per head, could make you weep
But with some wine (or beer) down your neck, who
Cares anyway? Soon there'll be time for sleep
Now I must digest all that grub and try to
Get a bit more drunk cos it's Friday you
Know. Drinking makes everything somehow feel
Okay for a while. At least I'm not deep
In debt (yet). Well I am if I think too
Hard about it, with this mortgage to deal
With. I need money, not much as a sheikh

3171 - Prague pilgrim's progress

Getting in the holiday zone of mind
Excitement builds. Today, getting my phone
Mended so I can charge it and still find
Power to post on Twitter. Having flown
To Prague, I'll want and need to have well shown
The sights I see, the folk I meet, also
In German places, beer and mountains grown
To gross proportions, only goats may go
To those high heights! My German learning's slow
I'm struggling to study the lingo, kind
Of lazy maybe, but distraction's blown
It away, along with 'Dragon Tattoo'
(The book), but I could catch up when flyin'
Or waitin' in stations for trains to come

3170 - Til I fly

I could go to Tiger Lounge comedy
Night, but probably won't, though it is nice
Out there. I need to eat, and energy
Is rather low. Went to the Post Office
After work to collect my Czech moneys
Not long to go now til I fly to Prague
The Czech Republic - one of the countries
I'll tick off as part of my travelogue
And Austria (Vienna and Salzburg)
Sorting out my credit card's next for me
Using it abroad to buy, there's no fees
I also need to ring the police to book
A speed awareness driving course, quickly
Before I go, or they will penalise

3169 - Rock around the clock

A lovely sunny day and lovely lunch
At the new Dockyard just over the bridge
It's a good place when it comes to the crunch
It's better than anything in the fridge
But of course you can't always have that binge
Most days you have to cut your cloth and save
Just now and then you can see to that itch
But most times you must make yourself behave
And act sensibly and try to be brave
Since then I've had a good evening of grunge
Playing guitar, I've improved just a smidge
As we do each time we try to improve
There's no secret, you just find time to punch
The clock at the place where you feel most rich

3168 - Beer giggles

The gig went OK, some audience looked tired
I don't blame them after some of those acts
Some boring readers meant the fun retired
And when I went on, atmosphere was flat
But Pearl came and she said there were some laughs
She also appreciated my cover
Of Nina Simone, but with changed lyrics
Difficult stuff but I put it over
And that gives me confidence for future
My rehearsals paid off. Easy to read
Stuff from a page, easy even with gags
But harder without a piece of paper
I have admired performers who have tried
To memorise their stuff, and they get claps

Mon 20 April

3167 - Tomorrow night

A late night sonnet from a tired brain
I've spent hours today learning material
For tomorrow's gig. It's not going to rain
That's good news when you've got to walk a mile
Or two carrying a guitar. The Castle
Pub's the venue on Oldham Street. I've tried
To learn the gags and lyrics - have I failed?
Well I've still got time tomorrow inside
The flat after work, to run through the slide
Of fingers on fretboard, refine playing
Only run through the two songs tonight - still
More practice needed to make it more tight
The Nina Simone song, that is the main
Difficulty, both chords and lyrical!

3166 - Saturday sun

A lovely warm day, me and Jo were sat
In the sunshine on the railway platform
It felt like a holiday there, just that
Passing time on a bench, sat in the warm
With blue sky overhead, watching ants worm
Their way along the ground looking for things
I cut the day short so that I'll have time
To think about Monday night's act, writing
A few new gags - magic's the theme - keeping
The two comedy songs already got
So in fact it won't take long. Monday's theme
Is magic. Would be tragic though to fling
This gig away, must give it a good shot
Need two good nights' sleep, then I'll be on form

3165 - Life is....

You might think you know what this is but I
Don't think you do, because me, I don't think
I know, don't think I do, don't care, know why
And not only don't I know, I don't think
I know, so don't think you can tell me, pink
Or red, what's the difference? It's all the same
There's no difference, it's all in the seeing
And therefore everything's part of a game
Tactics, luck, you name it, you'd go insane
If you tried to quantify, qualify
Everything, which I can't do, beginning
With the impossibility, the main
Point being that no-one knows how to apply
Themselves to life, it's just a random thing

Fri 17 April 

3164 - Coping

Just got back from a gig at Sound Control
In Manchester, the act was Julian Cope
He's about to go to Ireland to hole
Up and write new songs. We all hoped
He'd do some old stuff of course, but the scope
Included newer stuff which I quite liked
So I shelled out ten quid and I bought 'Trip
Advizer' - yes that's how it's spelled. He spiked
Maybe in the eighties but he's since psyched
His fans with other stuff, written a whole
Lot of books and whatnot. Quite a few popes
Have come and gone but he's still here and miked
Up for the occasion. Downstairs I told
His daughter of my travels in Europe!

Thursday 16 April

3163 - Strange days and nights

Too tired to think of anything at all
I thought maybe I'd even need some sleep
On the sofa at tea-time or I'd fail
To get through the evening, but no, I'm deep
Into it now, hanging by fingertips
Til a reasonable bedtime. The reason?
Went to bed at three a.m. after quips
At the King's Arms and Salford Arms again
That's bad enough when work follows the dawn
But I woke at six thirty! Nerves prevailed
Perhaps, worried that I might oversleep
And be real late for work, reputation
Suffering accordingly because of ale
And late night banter with comic people

3162 - Tomorrow is here

I didn't realise it was so late
It's nearly half-past two and I have got
Work tomorrow, and time it just won't wait
I got a good night's sleep last night but not
Tonight, it would appear, I've missed the slot
And I'm eating bags of crisps left behind
By Louis in February, forgot
But discovered the other day, a find
Naughty but nice, hang on, It's true I've pined
For more for long enough, I've got to sate
My appetite with a third crisp packet
It's better than smoking, it's time to wind
Down and get to bed, if I can relate
To settling down now and losing the plot

Tue 14 April

3161 - Kitchen sink drama

A quiet day after yesterday's extreme
No big occasions, no enormous crowd
A few of us at work, a pared-down team
The rest still on their Easter leave, no doubt
Felt a bit jaded, felt a bit washed-out
Anyway, now I feel like relaxing
I've recycled bottles and cans, that's good
Of me, and also cleaned the kitchen sink
I didn't realise that its colouring
Had turned a kind of brown stain over time
Having read an article all about
Germs in the kitchen, stung me to bleaching
Instead of just wiping it. Now it's clean
And shiny silver! The flat's looking proud!

3160 - Red letter day

A great day out with Jo at Old Trafford
Not only was it a vital derby
But she was a mascot for United
Held hands with Juan Mata, one of those she
Chose in the first place in her fantasy
Numbers were drawn from a hat in the end
She got number ten, we then thought Rooney!
She'll be at the front on TV, her hand
In hand with England's top player, the land
If not the world jealous! But hopes misled -
Instead it meant the tenth man stood in the
Excited queue of Red players, that band
Of men in the tunnel. 4-2 they scored
A great day for her, and of course for me!

3159 - Slowhead

I've felt lethargic all today, maybe
Because I drank a bit last night, but still
It was only four bottles. Watched TV
Some music progs, got my nostalgia fill
Not done much today, found some material
That I'd already written, a joke song
I can use on Tuesday night. Tried as well
As I could in my state to sing along
In my head and learn the lyrics. Morning
Will come tomorrow and on the settee
I'll spend another hour in rehearsal
For Tuesday and the Monday following
I've two songs to learn for that too. But the
Big thing tomorrow's naturally football...

3158 - If music be the food of jokes

It's Friday evening, I'm happy at home
Thought up some new jokes, looked through some old ones
Got some beer in, but as yet I've had none
Been busy being useful, election's
Providing some topical humour and
This will help me in my performances
I'm in the next two Saturdays, and bound
To make the most of creative chances
To practice and write new stuff, I fancy
Could be good if I do it while fresh - some
Real good stuff can be done quite early on
In the morning, straight after breakfastses
And now for relaxation, all too soon
Some music progs on Beeb 4  that look fun

3157 - The price isn't right

Another evening in, with no spending
Although I raised my eyebrows at the bill
In Sainsburys for a few items. Falling
Prices they say due to the price of oil?
Yet my bill seemed too high. But then I still
Saved by not going out. Most people that
Go out regularly don't drink, just swill
Out their chops with water or Cola Lite
I should do that myself when I go out
Instead I stay in to save on drinking
And don't even write much stuff, but it's brill
Lately for guitar practice, trying to get
Better. Now watching Question Time, thinking
Of a late night snack, my tummy to fill

3156 - No beer today

A fast-paced day at work sorting out files
A fast-paced evening at home doing lots
I'm almost ready for my tea, but smiles
All round as I get ready for the pots
And pans - well, just pans really, got no pots
As such, I keep it simple, my kitchen
Is small, like my cooking skills. Got the hots
For fish fingers, baby - that's haute cuisine
By my standards, so soon I'll pop 'em in
The hunger's growing, starting to beguile
My thought process, despite those three biscuits
I scoffed at work, they're wearing off. Still thin
Though, sort of, and should stay that way since I'll
Be keeping off the beer til travelling starts

3155 - Flat broke!

I'm enjoying the new flat floors today
Of course floors are flat - you know what I mean
The new floors in my flat, done yesterday
At lunchtime I went to the bank to clean
Out my account of £600. Mean
Old me does not like that, oh no
But it's a good price, three rooms looking mean
And modern! Got to save before I go
On holiday, or else I will have no
Spends for it! To do that I'll have to stay
In mostly; I can read and learn German
And practice guitar, practice for some shows
Mainly First Draft, but also comedy
At the King's Arms. It's still a happening scene

3154 - Manchester is red again

The floors have been done in my flat today
Got new floors in the bedroom, and in the
Bathroom and kitchen. The guys, all three, they
Did a good job, it looks superior
To what it looked like just one day before
Meanwhile, Derby won at Wigan and got
Malky Mackay sacked! Derby must be poor
If losing to us gets you sacked. It's not
Fair really, but I'm pleased Wigan are dropped
Like a stone to the First Division. Yay!
Man City lost at Palace, and now their
Title hopes are dead. Next Sunday a hot
Game at Old T, the Manchester derby
Josie is a mascot for Man U, yeah!

3153 - Knock knock who's there? Dunno

Enjoying the evening light as it faaaaades
I see a pale yellow sun through curtain
Tomorrow builders are here, not with spades
To do three floors and leave 'em spick and span
Must remember to get up earlier than
Nine, or soon afterwards, cos by 9:30
They'll be knock-knocking. Yesterday was fun
Pearl met Jo for first time in 3 months, we
Went to Koffee Pot on Oldham Street, the
New location for a good breakfast. Plates
Of mushrooms, eggs, beans, and a real mountain
Of tasty toast. Later, King's Arms to see
Some improv comedy. While no side-aches
It was at least different. A drink or ten

3152 - Yes

OK so you think I'm inferior to
You but that's nonsense, because that ain't so
I don't really know how to compare to
You, because you seem to be so superior to
Me, as do most, but time will tell me so
Time does not exist, even though you say
It does, well there's things you don't know
And as for me, it's not clear that today
I know what's goin' on today, I pray
No I don't, I don't believe unlike you
I don't accept that things should be like so
That things should be like they say, like they say
No, on the contrary, that's not the way we do
Things round here, although we should do, although

Sat 4 April

3151 - Easter funnies

A quiet day at home, though trying quite hard
To do useful stuff. I worked on my act
Got some lyrics for my joke songs that should
Be good for 20th April, First Draft
Watched some TV, comedians from the past
Rik Mayall, Peter Sellers and Bob Hope
Fry and Laurie (on Wogan), lots of laughs
But now sadly I'm losing any hope
As I listen to Derby trying to grope
Their way back up to the top spots, but Lord!
They're behind at home to Watford. They've cracked
Partly due to injuries, they can't cope
With the pressure, it seems. Tomorrow would
Be a chance to learn some German. Mein Kraft!

3150 - Debate the debate

I've been watching the seven leaders show
Conservative, Labour, Lib Democrat
The Greens, Plaid Cymru, SNP, and no
Sorry, yes, UKIP (they've not done all that)
Shame the ratings for Natalie Bennett
Didn't seem that good. The reactions to
Her statements about foreign aid shows that
Short-term selfishness flourishes when you
Put it to the people. So better to
Keep wealth where it already is, and go
With older rich votes, youngsters they don't get
Anything, they've no influence, but you
Must wonder if they simply want to go
To the same levels of wealth. Yes to that!

3149 - Spend to save

I arranged to have my floors done next week
On Easter Monday, Ben and his mate will
Re-floor the spare bedroom, give that same tweak
To the bathroom, and the kitchen will thrill
Also to a new look. They said the bill
Would be £600, and though that is
Quite a bit, it's good value, and will kill
Three floors with one stone, so to speak. Louis'
Departure must not be wasted, no freeze
In my acceleration to the peak
Of rentability for the room, til
Someone moves in there, with flow of readies
To my bank account, which could look quite bleak
After this cost, and upcoming travel!