2784 - Hair today, hair tomorrow

Second night not enough sleep but feel good
Been eating well, no fags or booze for days
Too tired for exercises, but I should
Be OK tomorrow. Last weekend, gays
Could get married, big change in the UK's
Law, reflecting its more modern culture
Or maybe old-fashioned? Back in the days
Of Ancient Greece and Rome... Fancy a hair
Cut, nearly had one this lunchtime, but for
A job application not submitted
In the end, Steve too slow (again) to appraise
My draft, left it til last. Did not bother
To wait for him. At the death, decided
I didn't want that job, least not today...

2783 - In vainsbury

Went out to Sainsburys but it was still closed
Opens at eleven on Sunday. Doh!
Went back and got bog roll, that's one of those
Things you don't wanna run out of, oh no!
Also got Ryvita. Told bread to go
And never come back. Never say never
I might still get the odd crusty loaf, though
Or a nice seeded wholemeal. There's butter
And cheese, and above all, Marmite, to smear
On the Ryvita, and the time is close
When I'll do just that. Lately, news is slow
They're still banging on about that plane. Sure
It's sad, but the story's repetitious
The pilot ditched it. Now please let it go

2782 - Greasy chops in Greasby shops

This is a day late, why, I've no excuse
I got back about 8 last night, I think
From a nice day out with Josie, Mother's
Day visit to her grandma, my ma, in
Greasby, across the Mersey from sprawling
Liverpool, a small town with its fair share
Of retirees, Greasby offers eating
In several pubs and restaurants, and where
We ate was Ellie's. Jo had steak, not rare
While I had Thai green curry, had to force
It down, tasted lovely but so filling
Mum had hash and spuds, also food to spare
On her plate. Got home, but did not abuse
Memory with booze, just forgot my writing!

About Saturday 29 March

2781 - Bye bye Johnny

Was merrily facebooking and tweeting
Last night, when unexpectedly, Derm got
In touch and said, Come for a pint, I'm in
The New Oxford, so I went out and got
Quite wet on the way there. And tonight, got
To go out again to see him to talk
Comedy ideas. If he's not, I've got
A few possible thoughts. Today at work
It was John Durkan's leaving do. I talked
To some old faces I'd not seen, loving
Chatting away, but thought to self, I've got
To get back to the office, put the cork
Back in the bottle, knowing this evening
Was waiting, couldn't get drunk, least not yet

2780 - Good food for good thoughts

I'd better write today's sonnet right now
In case I forget, like I did last night
The main thing on my mind somehow
Is food at the moment, healthy diet
I like reading articles people write
On super foods that really do you good
If you can keep off booze, you get real bright
Physically, mentally, seems to get hard
Then not to self-medicate, to retard
That diamond-hard perception, turn to cow
From genius, escape from this blinding light
Crash the Porsche and hobble into a Ford
But I think I'll resist that urge, and so
I'll read more 'Bleak House,' save more cash tonight!

2579 - The late late show

Oops sorry, I thought I did this last night
Then this morning I woke up and wondered
What did I write my poem about last night
And I had to look this morning. I turned
On the laptop and lo and behold, learned
That I had forgotten to write it. No!
Oh well, it's nearly 9 am, I've turned
To porridge for breakfast, and even though
There was no sugar, syrup, nothing to
Sweeten it, it tasted pretty alright
Also, sandwiches have been stopped. I yearn
For Marmite but the bread has gone. Now you
Will see me slurping soup for lunch. The fight
Is on to live healthy, now and again

2578 - The Red-Faced Devils

Today was mostly about the derby
Match between Man United and City
The Reds had slightly improved recently
Beating Olympiakos at home by three
Then West Ham away by two, with Rooney
Scoring a freak long-distance goal, then he
Scored a freak close-up one. Moyes was happy
For a day or two, but, real sneakily
This derby game approached, and certainly
This would be a true test for the Old T
Faithful and their Red Devils. But sadly
For them, the Reds lost to the Blues 0-3
Dzeko got two, one from Ya Ya Toure
And I'm kicking the fags again - hurray!

2577 - Fed up of food fads?

It's been a hard day's night, but feel OK
If tired, and now just watching the TV
A programme about Britain's debt today
Not the nation's, individuals' money
Owed, in many cases, over twenty
Thousand, in some, over a hundred grand
Must admit that now I'm feeling hungry
Must cook soon, before bedtime, that's the plan
Can't go to bed while my belly expands
Digesting chicken, mash and veg, for they
Advise against that sort of thing, you see
Been reading and thinking of diet. Ban
The carbs? No spuds or bread? But to obey
That is hard. Should I start eating chick peas?

2576 - Sunday Punday

Been hard at it today, social media
Facebook and Twitter have swallowed the hours
I've posted more than ever before, yeah
And got many many good responses
My first full Sunday Punday hour was class
Seems they give out the themes about midday
Giving me time to write puns that are boss
Still think they shouldn't do that, I think they
Should announce it at eight, cos that's the way
To see who's Top Pun, who's quick on the draw
Mind you, the standard might then be lower
So all in all it's all good, hey hey hey
Thank goodness I've got back now on Twitter
Now everyone can smell my evil flowers!

2575 - All you can read

Re-opening day at Central Library
A day of showers and frequent getting wet
Me and Jo caught the train and meanwhile we
Tucked into sweets from a new shop we checked
Out in Wilmslow. Thought Nicola might get
There too to meet us, but sadly no dice
The echoey reading room, it was not
The same as before, it was not as nice
But still good to be back there. I had rice
And Jo had noodles - a new eaterie
Opened today near the station. I got
To see Derby win 5-0 - nice surprise
Beating Forest, their East Mids enemy
Now I look forward to going to bed!

Sat 22 March

2574 - Play it cool, man

It's an extremely quiet Friday night
I've taken two hours to drink one bottle
While watching 'Shame' again, maybe it's quite
Hard to get into beer with no fags. Well
I've found that before. Just want to settle
Down and go to bed early, drift away
This winter's been warm, hot water bottle
Not needed, thank you. Twitter's calling me
But I'm not really in the mood today
You shouldn't feel this pressure to post, right?
It's Friday night, no-one's online, people
Have better things to do, right? So they say
At any rate, don't wanna play tonight
Just keepin' it cool, keepin' it real cool

2573 - News from nowhere

It's been a hard day, and a hard evening
Playing bad-ass guitar hard as I can
It's now ten o'clock, and time for eating
The toilet's not flushing - I use a pan
I make things up in real time, there's no plan
Oh for fuck's sake, please stop this reporting
On the no news of the missing airplane
Next's doing better than M&S, things
Are really topsy-turvy if you think
Anything's guaranteed, but this living
Is an up and down thing - things go up and
Go down and then in-between, just middling
Let's not be surprised at discovering
That bad things happen. We're all too human

2572 - Tired of being a Tone

Got back about 2.15 last night from
The Salford Arms (after the King's Arms) - good
Night, our act went quite well, drink fuelled the fun
For me, to some degree, I thought it would
And Ste presented the night well, he's caught
The mood of the night well, been fun lately
As for today, been knackered, been dead wood
But got through it, and went out with Louis
To watch United lose, well hopefully
But they didn't, although they hardly stormed
Through, narrowly winning on aggregate
So Moyes stays, for now, and that's good to see
It means they'll struggle for longer, poor form
And Van Persie's injured, too, silly sod

2571 - Happy talk 1

Typing this early evening before I
Go out to the King's Arms for comedy
Night. What I want to try tonight when there
Is funny conversation. Usually
This happens anyway, whether a pair
Or larger group of friends. Ha ha, hee hee
Is what you hear a lot, and especially
When drinks have been drunk, and just drunks are there
And as fun talks have been had aplenty
By me and others I've chatted to, where
Is the harm, where is the difficulty
In trying to recreate that as a pair
(Me and Dermot) onstage - well, as it were
Since there's no stage in the snug. It's tiny!

2570 - Eat, drink and be very early to bed

So tired, not a lot of sleep got last night
Was tired, but somehow just couldn't drop off
Let's hope I'm like that if frozen with fright
Balanced on a cliff edge, not falling off
No matter how hard the wind blows. A tough
Day to get through, but did it. But do I
Have the strength to do ironing? You can stuff
That, the pile is huge. Need to close my eye
And begin dreaming life's a piece of pie
Or better still, a whole pie I can bite
Stayed clear of beer last night, and you can shove
The stuff tonight as well. Maybe some tea
That's all I'll drink, or milk, or juice tonight
With a handful of nuts can't wait to scoff!

2569 - This Boots is made for shopping

To Manchester with Josie - went to Boots
For make-up, not for her this time, but for
Mother's Day (still 2 weeks away). Astute
Choices, mascara, foundation and a
Pencil for eyeliner. Cost - well over
A tenner but her Mum should be quite pleased
With that, and how her fast-growing daughter
Can now choose such 'grown-up' items with ease
Yesterday she went out with friends, and she's
Also on Instagram now. It's a hoot
Meanwhile, how Man United are so poor
Got thrashed at home by Liverpool. Moyesy's
Gonna be so pressured, will get the boot
At season's end, maybe. Ha ha, haw haw!

2568 - It's all in your pint

It's been a fun Saturday at home, but
I'm off out later for beers with Dermot
And what's more, that will really suit
As I was worried that Dermot had got
The hump, and maybe we had lost the plot
Got to find a way so we can translate
Our pubby fun into an act that's hot
Because at ad libbing, don't think we're great
At least not together, onstage, and fate
Won't promote us if we're bobbins. Half-cut
Ain't so bad though, it lifts the speed of thought
And spins its direction, arrow rotates
Then stops at some random point you would not
Have got to without booze. Like that a lot!

2567 - Turn it down again

My stuff didn't make Newsjack, first attempt
Has failed. Listened to it last night in case
It did, but no dice. Change of plans, been sent
A message from Jo's mum, I've been replaced
By Alice, Saturday, so I've got space
Tomorrow to write more stuff, see Josie
On Sunday instead. That suits me, I'll face
The challenge of writing some new and hopefully
Funny stuff tomorrow, but what's funny
To me ain't necessarily so felt
By others, as that show shows! But the pace
Must quicken, and I'm striving to be free
To do what I want. It's disappointment
Also on the job front. Got turned down for a place...

2566 - The heat is on and off

Back home, it's easy I see now to get
To my mum's by train and bus from Salford
To Greasby on the Wirral. Can forget
The expense of hired cars now, can't afford
Them very often anyway, it's sort
Of wasted money in these times, stops me
From tattoos, drinking, etc! Must sort
Out priorities, live a life of ease
Like yellow submariners, the Chinese
Or Beatles acolytes! Not getting wet
Either now, the rain's eased off, sun has caught
The land and flowers, trees budding, the freeze
Is non-existent, heating bills forgot
As climate changes, but waves lack concord

2565 - Who'd be a referee?

I popped to the shops in Greasby to buy
A birthday card for Claire for Saturday
Me and Mum will see her tomorrow - why?
Cos she's replacing me, caring each day
For Mum as she recovers. A nice stay
It's been, cooking for Mum, and shopping too
Helping her exercise, ensuring she
Does them all, takes all her pills, white and blue
And red. Man City fans are feeling blue
Losing to Barca. There's no penalty
Zabaleta pushes the referee
And gets sent off. Neymar has gone off too
The Brazilian not sent off, replaced by
A substitute. Five minutes left to play...

Wed 12 March

2564 - Cooking for Mother

It's been a relaxing, fulfilling day
Looking after my mother, after her
Hip op. The pain's gradually going away
And best of all, her appetite's astir
It was fun frying sausages, a fair
Amount of mash with cheese in it, and veg
With thick gravy on top. She ate her share
And then some ice cream for dessert. The fridge
Has a few processed meals that I could cadge
But I'm not a fan of those anyway
I'm just wondering what to cook tomorrow
There's not much main course there - I'll have to budge
Myself off the sofa, shop in Greasby
For meat, fish, be a good food provider

Tue 11 March

2563 - Hip to the groove

Woke up after 6 hours, time enough to
Iron 2 shirts and get to work early
(By my standards) so I could quickly do
The sending off of scripts in time for the
Deadline. Let's hope they like my comedy
Sketches at the Beeb! Left office at 4
My task, to catch the train to West Kirby
And arrive in Greasby (my mum's home) for
6.30, so Hannah could could drive to Nor-
folk tonight. I've relieved Hannah. We two
Are helping Mum recover, because she
Had her right hip replaced 2 weeks or more
Ago. Claire and Robin have helped, it's true
The family's still close, just like it should be

Mon 10 March

2562 - Josie the trendsetter

This is late (by one day) cos stayed up late
To write and send scripts to the BBC
The weather today was so warm, so great
It was too hot to wear my coat - sweaty
I'd have been, so I left it as Josie's
We went to Manchester, to Selfridge's
She looks at all the make-up - you see, she's
Learning, becoming savvy - teenager's
Outlook developing, although in years
She's only just eleven. Heard a shout
Or two in the distance - turned out to be
An anti-fracking demo. Jo had fears
'Bout being caught on camera, being put
In jail for being a hooligan, maybe!

About Sun 9 March, written Mon 10 March

2561 - On the beat

It's late so I'll be quick, it's one thirty
Been down to Liverpool to watch The Beat
With Dave Wakeling on vocals and Roddy
Radiation of The Specials complete
With covers of Rat Race and of Concrete
Jungle, the ageing Scouse skinheads getting
A bit lively to that old two-tone beat
The gig was I'd say equal to Ranking
Roger and his band's gig seen that evening
In Hebden Bridge last month. Wrote comedy
This afternoon, a sketch that I think's neat
Tomorrow's the last chance for me to think
Of some one-liners for the BBC
To add to the sketch, then to submit it

Sat 8 March

2560 - Three new tattoos

I've had three new tattoos put on today
I worked in the morning, then wandered round
To the Eagle pub, but I didn't stay
(Cos it was locked) and then walked back around
To the tattoo studio, where I've been found
A few times now. The deal I get is three
For a hundred quid. The first was put down
In Amsterdam in 2010, nearly
Four years ago. But today's inks - Pompeii
(Honeymoon, '03), next, a red display
Marking a trip to Istanbul that crowned
A stay in eastern Greece. Mosque memories
And lastly, a design designed to say
I cycled the length of Britain's island

2559 - '79 - oh what a year

Strangely sleepy this evening, think I'll chill
Can't even be bothered drinking my beer
Watched Top of the Pops '79 - will
There be a time again good as that year
For music - singles anyway - still here
Most of 'em that I bought with paper round
Earnings. Buzzcocks, Magazine, Banshees, The
Undertones, Joy Division, and the B-
52s, Beefheart, Gang of Four, The Fall
Reggae - Dennis Brown, Pablo, Upsetters
Dub. Then the disco boom, the nightclub sound
Fairground booming out Blondie, Funkytown
ELO and Sparks went disco, and will
A similar new change work for Roxy?

2558 - I got stung

What's to say, after all the gobshites we've
Endured over the decades of my life
I say this in the safety of a Salford eve
I say this in the absence of a wife
I'm free to say what I believe and strive
For, whatever that is, musically
A thing that's not important in the hive
Of queen bees telling me what I should see
Maybe I'm still short-sighted, obviously
But do they care about what I conceive
After decades of struggle and of strife
Rejection and fascistic obloquy
I'd still like to say just what I perceive
And that's what I'll do til I leave this life

2557 - Advertisements for myself

Pop ups piss me off, why don't they piss off?
Same to cold callers about PPI
Don't get me started on ads in midst of
Soccer games, Ray Winstone, spit in your eye
Only thickoes are impressed by tough guys
Get me in a headlock, why doncha, then
Maybe I'll do what you command, but I's
Too smart to bet on Rooney scoring ten
I'd rather set my Rolex by Big Ben
Avoiding Big Issue sellers is tough
And if ITV ever wonder why
People prefer the Beeb, maybe it's zen
But I don't think so, I think it's lack of
Fucking adverts that make you wanna cry

2556 - Tucking fired

I'm tired as fuck, looking forward to bed
No wonder I only did 42
Press-ups after work! Need to rest my head
And gently drift off, wake up early too
Perhaps work hard, then play hard as I do
More comedy on Tuesday night again
Got some good spoken word stuff ready to
Surprise them with, like mixing porn with zen
Make them cringe and squirm, unsure how or when
To react to my shit, soon as it's said
It's kind of taboo, like talk about poo
But light-hearted, not nasty, among friends
(Of a sort). Now for a small piece of bread
Or maybe a yogurt? Nuts. How 'bout you?

2555 - Raining on my parade

Woke up quite late, quarter to eleven
In no time at all, football had started
Watched the League Cup Final, and Sunderland
Lost to Man City, but it was close. Good
Result for Villa, beating Norwich. Sped
Into the rain (on foot) to the Castle
Where it was a performance night. I tried
A partly ad libbed piece, started off well
But sadly the ad lib flopped, Dermot failed
To live up to the occasion again
The sketch was about people who had died
And I was a medium. His idea, tell
Me how he can't even raise some laughs when
It's his idea? Around it get my head

Sun 2 March

2554 - Bed calls

It's late, you boring fuckers, yes, it's late
Three thirty, or thereabouts, late, I say
If you have gone to bed early, I hate
You, you have got it wrong, and I will say
Live life, like my father, not mother, hey
Poor mother, fooled by bullshit, just don't know
Tried to suppress us, as if we were prey
Of aristocrats, know our place, and go
For house maid jobs, because we all do know
Our place in society, we should state
Our individualism, try to say
How we feel, good or bad, it's good for show
It will soon  be four, strength now dissipates
And tiredness dominates, bed calls, no hates!

Sat 1 March