2460 - Work sonnet

I'm taking this quick opportunity
To write my daily sonnet at lunchtime
I'm sharing a table today with three
Female colleagues who've left at the same time
To go shopping for lunch, or to pass time
Wandering around Manchester, but I can't
Be bothered, even though there's warm sunshine
I'd rather save effort, don't want to hunt
For nothing in particular. Just wrote
A policy brief, though imaginary
We're on a one-day course, meant to refine
Our drafting skills for ministers. We've not
Had such a task since university
Or school exams, even, way back in time...

2459 - Tea with Emma

Had a funny chat at work with Emma
About other work people on our floor
I don't mean lying on the floor, fella
I mean they work on the third floor, for sure
Strange body shapes, tubby top halves, thinner
Legs, older women, mutton dressed as lamb
People promoted who are far thicker
Than those they beat to the job, mere yes-men
But this is all silly stuff, we're not fans
Of genuine office intrigue, plots, schemes or
Back-stabbing of team-mates - others can score
With those dubious tactics, saddoes whose main
Claim to pride's the workplace, home life's that poor
I don't envy them, sad suburban bores

2458 - Upsetto over Netto

Just watched a boring game - England / Ireland
But at least all seemed happy, no trouble
New German-looking kit worn by England
New Irish kit too, kit sales free-for-all
Dull day, with a fair amount of rainfall
Walked by the old canal on the way in
But felt if I went home that way I'd fall
In, slipping on mud or wet grass. Climbing
Out of that canal would take some doing
And all my mp3 music lessened
To useless plastic mid muddy bubbles
Just rescued my bag from Sainsburys - leaving
It there in the basket was what happened
My Swedish Netto bag, you are my all...

2457 - The child is the daughter of the man

First day back in the office for a while
Small turnout of staff, perhaps no surprise
After the Bank Holiday, and it's school
Half-term time too, so some mums with their ties
To family have their domestic duties
And some dads too, of course. I suggested
A day off just me and Josie on these
Long days at home for her, but excited
At the idea she seemed not to be, Dad
Maybe only wanted weekly by child
Think I'll leave it. Anyway, spent monies
Like mad this month, going out, account's bled
Dry. Friday night, another rehearsal
With drinks after - til then, stay in, that's wise!

2456 - Frederick the not so great

Stayed in for a change, not nearly as nice
Today anyway, cloudy and quite cool
Bank Holiday Monday has happened twice
In the merry month of May that's the rule
Watched Henry VIII played by Keith Michell
From '73, an old film classic
Based on the TV series, real old school
Catherine Howard was played by Lynne Frederick
I looked her up online, she was tragic
In real life too, depressed, caught in the vice
Of alcoholism, perhaps a fool
But it's easily done - the mind gets sick
Of boredom and its best friend loneliness
Sometimes it's best to fall off the barstool

2455 - Silly Piccadilly

Another sunny day, they are so rare
Chilled out at home, at tea-time met Nancy
We went on the Star-Flyer, Manchester
Piccadilly Gardens, saw views that we
Don't normally see, she videoed, but me
I took lots of stills. Then Thomas's for
Late Sunday roast, me ham, her beef. To see
The Dead Sea Apes at Kraak was our goal, or
The other bands, Arabrot (Norway), sore
Ears, but good, next another quite hard core
Band, Uneven Eleven, and then we
Made for the Castle, one more pint, no more
Cos Nancy had to catch her bus to where
She lives - Bury - and I went back to me

Sun 26 May

2454 - The politics of driving

Beautiful day, everyone, it seemed, out
And enjoying the lovely spring sunshine
I hired a car, new one on Ellesmere Street
Toyota Aygo, five-door - it drove fine
First off, to Salford Precinct, took some time
For Louis to collect X-Box parcel
Next up, across town, EDL skins whine
And carry Union Jacks, while others yell
Their opposition. Threaded through to Pearl
Took her and Louis to Josie's, without
Delay, on to Gawsworth Hall, food sublime
And good value at the spring fair - ate all
I could! Back home quickly for a good Kraut-
Fest, Bayern beating Dortmund just in time

2453 - Sun and train

Passing a power station in the rain
Now passing a sunlit field full of sheep
You might've guessed I'm writing on the train
You won't know that I just awoke from sleep
Spots of sunlight strobing me as they peep
Through gaps in passing trees like a disco
Hosted by God & Branson, as we creep
Up the western mainline, both fast and slow
Now brilliant white cumulus, grey below
Adorns the bright blue sky to the refrains
Of Frank - Here Comes That Rainy Day - and keep
Your big umbrella up as Pennies flow
From Heaven, past the moving window pane
Sinking into the track, ever so deep

2452 - Putting my worries to bed

I nearly forgot that I'm going out
Got a free ticket yesterday for this
Mahler and Mozart classical concert
No time even to eat, unless I whizz
Through this and cook something real effortless
Maybe I should try, because I must go
To bed early tonight. What scares me is
I have to wake up at five tomorrow
To catch the London train, oh hell, oh no
But once I'm on the train I'll feel less fraught
The main thing's to catch it, but if I miss
It I'll be in trouble, and cause a blow
To the meeting. But hey, let's not tempt fate
As long as my alarm works... Perilous!

2451 - Come whine with me

Watching 'Come Dine With Me' as I type this
Yes, that's right, not all my brain's occupied
With these lines - are you shocked? The Apprentice
Is on later. A quiet night in's required
And expenditure reined in. And I'm tired
Went to bed at nearly four, woke up at
Twenty to ten, clock double-took, I'm hired
To arrive by ten - out of bed I shot
Realising that work-wise a tricky spot
I was in, I'd be late, and I was pissed
Too. Quickly walked along the canal side
By recent standards, the day was quite hot
Got through it OK, though brewing up was
Tricky, got things wrong, but at least I tried!

2450 - In search of lost time, part ninety-nine

A day late, sorry, hate when this happens
It's shit (that also happens). The reason?
I delayed writing so I could comment
On how last night's comedy routine went
To answer that one first, well we didn't
Even do our routine! We were last to
Perform (third time running), but the barman
Signalled that time had run out, so we two
Said we'd go on earlier next time, then flew
Off (not literally) to town, both hoping
To meet Becka at Anna's birthday fun
Drink, but she'd already gone, doh, boo hoo
Perhaps she had work next day. Oh, but then
So did I! Got drunk, home late, then slept in...

(About yesterday, i.e. Tue 21 May)

2449 - Tory Tory Tory

Dave Cameron's in trouble with his mates
In the Tory Party, because they are
Against gay marriage and Europe. Mistakes
Have been made in trying to get with the
Younger, more tolerant future voters
No, they can't appreciate changes in views
They'd rather enforce standards from old years
Than adapt to what they see as wrong, new
Devilish trends undermining the pews
Of the old Anglican way, which just hates
All that's not Biblical. Still fighting wars
Against Muslims, though similarities
Are apparent. Soon they'll be at the gates
Of rejection by the younger voter

Mon 20 May

2448 - Read 'em and sleep

Stayed in, trying to save money and rest
But finished 'The Victorians' and long last
A readable and erudite hist-fest
History, that is, that is, time that's past
And though I didn't read it very fast
I enjoyed it when I wasn't too pissed
Next up, it's 'Words and Rules' (Pinker) I've missed
Choosing to read for years, but now my list
Of books read will soon include it, and that's
Pleasing, since I've owned it probably the most
Time as any of my unread books. It's
My hope soon's to read more Dickens and Aust-
en (Jane), as this lack keeps my score depressed
On all-time literature classics read stats

2447 - Have a nice wig end!

Not as rainy as the weather forecast
I went party clothes shopping with Nancy
Didn't get all I needed but got most
Of the accessories. It's fun to be
Clothes shopping, especially for a party
With a friend to advise and have a laugh
Got two wigs, one blonde, and one dark, but she
Will wear the dark one on the night, and I've
Agreed to keep it afterwards! Above
All that in importance, the simple fact's
I'm now committed to dressing as the
Nurse in Kill Bill who gives Uma a shove
Or two! The outfits I tried on were just
Too small - so I still need a dress for me!

2446 - Typhoon tea

I'm writing this before I step on out
For comedy rehearsals, Friday night
Possibly drinks afterwards with Dermot
I've yet to eat my tea and have a shite
So 'scuse me if I rush this little write
I might get in late. Tomorrow it's wet
For shopping with Nancy, but then it's bright
Again on Sunday. Hope that Josie gets
Well in time for my visit then. Her text
Said she had tonsillitis. Her poor mouth!
I hope she can swallow and she can bite
My poor ill little daughter, my poor pet
And now I'll finish off and fill my plate
Then comedy that's not always polite

2445 - Canal flannel

Not as drunk as last night, not drunk at all
A mixed day weatherwise, both rain and sun
Walked home along the grand old ship canal
Then, once home, realised I shouldn't have done
I needed food from Sainsburys, shoes back on
And back out again. Still, in the morning
I hope I'll remember to go on down
The waterside, the peaceful scenes calming
Away from noisy roads, lorries roaring
Past, cement mixers, motorbikes. Ducks call
Birds land looking for fish, and insects skim
The surface of the canal slow flowing
The Irwell on its way to Liverpool
Me on my way to work, having spring fun

2444 - Karaoke policy

A long day, but I'm home now, bed awaits
At work we had a Policy Workshop
Can't be arsed with that, it was full of twats
Don't want to get myself into a strop
Instead, I'll talk about me and Dermot
We met at eight and rehearsed comedy
Our act's coming together, it won't stop
Until we humiliate ourselves for free
And make ourselves laugh if not them, hee hee
Then off to The Old Pint Pot, but as fate
Would have it, the night was rather a flop
Thanks to these students all doing karaoke
They all seemed to be Lloyd Webber fans - that's
Not on for veterans of new wave - it's plop!

Wed 15 May

2443 - Tape earworm

Felt tired at work, still need one more good night
Of sleep, so I'm off soon to catch some winks
After work, played guitar, and caught alight
Playing the Smiths and seventies tunes, things
I'd not heard for years, on cassette, coming
Together nicely, rhythm and power
Gradually improving my axe techniques
Finished just in time to listen to the
Arsenal / Wigan game, and the northerners
Are down at last, unable to take flight
From their predicament, and so methinks
They won't return soon to the Premier
I'm out tomorrow eve, rehearse, then pints
With Dermot, comedy pal - funny thinks

2442 - Red bus blues

Sir Alex Ferguson has resigned - good!
Now we'll see some readjustment of power
In the English game, and it also could
Make the Premier League more exciting, where
Maybe the top dog club will rotate more
Than in recent years. It's true, Ferguson
And his success will probably never
Be equalled in football, not in England
Credit where due, a stunning achievement
On live TV, the red bus heads toward
Manchester city centre, Albert Square
Last year, I watched their rivals with their fans
The blue bus of Man City. But the Reds
Again this year! But who will win next year?

2441 - Manchester's got talent

A wet day, spent mainly at home, watching
The Grand Prix from Barcelona in Spain
Won by Alonso, Mr Eyebrows, win
For the local fans to cheer, sun there, rain
Here, which continued, as the long long reign
Of Ferguson climaxed at Old Trafford
With a late win for United against
The mighty Swansea. Sir Alex's words
Were brief and terse as ever. We crossed swords
Me and Janet, caught with their fans walking
Into Manchester after that great game
Our goal, The Comedy Store, the applause
Sparing for New Jokes Night, but appearing
Was a 14 year old, now appearing
On Britain's Got Talent. God help Britain!

Sun 12 May

2440 - No longer top banana

Poor old Man City lost the Cup Final
To unfancied Wigan, and I was there
Not Wembley, but the Etihad. Struggled
To stay warm watching screens in open air
With a thousand other City fans there
Was fun taking the tram, first time on that
New line, but on the way back, near despair
From fans all crowded in together, but
The mood was lightened by some drunks somewhat
Who sang funny songs, tried to raise a smile
City had some good chances, but went pear-
Shaped at the end, in the ninetieth minute
Wigan headed in the winner. Oh well
My son's a let-down City supporter

2439 - Sallying forth in Salford

Tonight straight after work and dinner, I
Went on a Salford historic pub tour
Beginning at the King's Arms, probably my
Local pub, and possibly even yours
From there we went to Trinity Church, where
Wesley was thrown out, on to the Eagle
Tucked away on a back street somewhere near
One barman, thirty customers, struggle
To get served, but managed a beer, then all
On to Greengate, car park, once cemetery
Then along the Irwell, ending up so near
My office, Manchester Martyrs, the wall
Where they hung is gone, then on to Bexley
Square, and the New Oxford pub. Bye, folks, bye!

2438 - Ohio sicko

Another case of women held hostage
This time over in Cleveland, Ohio
Enchained in the basement ten years, an age
Their young lives captive, blighted, stifled growth
Assaulted, raped, miscarriages, and two
Or more children, imprisoned by a guy
Who's now ashamed because he's caught, the glow
Of scrutiny unbearable, but why
Didn't he feel more empathy? So shy
Now, so dominant then, so full of rage
Taken out on those helpless girls we knew
Only from ten-year-old pictures they fly-
Posted on lamp-posts as the search engaged
Fruitlessly. But they're alive and free now

2437 - The Castle

A pleasant night though not hundred per cent
Went to The Castle pub in Manchester
For my first Tales of Whatever - it went
OK, I just watched, though I was prepared
With a story I could have delivered
The same one I did the night before, but
No need to do so, the night was covered
By other story-tellers. As the night
Progressed, the final act, she was a bit
Pissed and rambled on somewhat, then we spent
Some time in the beer garden with Anna
And guys we didn't know, and then Dermot
Split, chatted some more 'bout Stockport. End
Of the night, walked home, now I'm safe back here

Wed 8 May

2436 - Witless in Salford

I went to the Worst Comedy Night in
Salford again tonight, third one, hope it
Keeps going, it gives us a chance to learn
What works and what does not, and sure, tonight
I learned what does not - no, it wasn't that
So much, it was more that I was outside
The zone, perhaps I needed one more pint
Anyway, there was a good crowd, quite loud
A few from Wythenshawe, some of whom tried
Stand-up for the first time, had us grinning
But some went on too long... My anecdote
About my Newquay holiday, it showed
The difficulty of simply talking
And not telling jokes. Next time, I'll try wit!!

2435 - The Quay, the secret

Sunny day spent inside, I've spent plenty
Of money lately and I'm spending more
Later this week. On guitar, played Banshees
And Killing Joke, whose styles are similar
And tricky too, exciting for guitar
Maybe though I should go out for a walk
Just to get out and to get some fresh air
Don't need to work on comedy, will talk
About the Newquay holiday, no work
Needed to prepare for old memories
Which I'll relive tomorrow night for sure
In front of others at the King's Arms. Hark!
Is that Salford Quays calling? Shall I be
Outgoing and walk there and back? Oh yeah...

2434 - Money - that's what I want

Excuse me, I'm well pissed, just so you know
Stayed in today, but went out this evening
During the day saw two games, but with no
Excitement til Chelsea got the ball in
United's net - well done, Mata! Now things
Are getting interesting. Rehearsal was
The point of meeting Dermot, but nothing
Was really advanced, we chatted, because
Coffee and several beers diverted us
Never mind, we'll meet again. He will go
To Paris, then we'll rehearse once again
Our comedy act. Right now it's a fuzz
My ex-wife's given me some money, so
I'm OK to go out out and do my thing

Sun 5 May

2433 - Cheshire cool cats

Sunshine and smiles, day out with Josephine
Walked round the park, dodging dogs on the way
What happened to the tree we climbed - it's been
Removed, maybe - branched out - it's crept away
Like the mobile trees in Tolkien. It may
Be my faulty memory that's playing tricks
We also went to Macclesfield today
Again just to the park - but soon she'll hit
The age when that's all over, so I mix
Trips to restaurants and country towns, and e'en
Art events, with simplicity and play
She won't be young much longer - the clock ticks
You know, and then another kid has-been
Becomes a supposed adult for always

2432 - Rose and crown

Another late night, but now a long week-
end to come, hurray! Friday night sketching
At Dr Sketchy, and I won a sleek
Pair of child's ear-muffs and a decaying
Rose - pix on Facebook - thanks Nance for taking
Them. I took some funny pix afterwards
Of us on the street generally clowning
My sketch was OK but it was the words
I added that did it. To win awards
Is a rare but delightful thing. To seek
Approbation, an all-too-human thing
Expensive meal in Thomas' Restaurant
But a good time was had. Now time to sneak
To bed with a book, read til I'm sleeping...

Fri 3 May

2431 - Drink drank drunk

Still feel a bit drunk after two coffees
Only four and a half hours' sleep last night
Off work today, watching some pop videos
Later, I'll practice songs. If I feel right
I'll go out and perform them. I'll be shite
Maybe, but you must be before you're good
Met Nancy last night, possibly tonight
Might see her again, but this time I would
Rather slope off at half-time than be good
And sit through the whole of Guitar and Verse
Particularly as I'm spending quite
A lot on drink, more than I can afford
Drinks in bars don't come cheap, they charge high fees
Aaargh - close-up of Little Mix - what a fright!

2430 - Fourteen at four

It's gone four in the morning, but thank God
I took tomorrow off work, so who cares?
Jeremy Kyle awaits - he is my God
I'll catch some of his show, may even miss
It, wonder when I'll wake up, seeing as this
Has become such a late night, following
My comedy debut with Dermot. Please
Don't ask me if we won, we didn't win
3 Minute Theatre audience, they weren't in-
to it enough for that, but we say sod
Them, it was our first time, though we prepared
Quite well. Perhaps in future we should sing
And dance, become more absurd, more absurd
Still, then we'll win, and that is so true, yes

Wed 1 May